I feel like a big ole pile of shit right now.

I blew up at my family at lunchtime today. I know it's psychotic... but I feel helpless to change.

The chronic pain is making me suicidal. I wish I could have just ONE pain-free day!!!

I'm having an absolutely miserable day. My birthday's on Monday, and I miss my mother so badly around this time... it sux.

Someone stepped in front of a train tonight. I knew someone who did that 11 years ago... what a horrible way to die.

Baby's asleep for now... but I know she's gonna get up in the middle of the night. I need to start putting her back in her crib instead of being lazy and keeping her in bed with me. Keeping her in bed with me means she keeps nursing all night through... and keeping me awake, as each time she wakes up and wants to nurse she wakes me up!

The kids want to go to church Saturday night for some kinda fun night thing. I hope we can get 'em there!

I'm online again, 'til my husband gets up for the night. He's off work tonight because of the holiday. Waiting for him to get up gives me an excuse to try and get caught up again, as I'm currently falling behind...

If the baby doesn't stop waking during the night I'm gonna lose my mind. Ugh!

I just made a "friend test". Curious to see how folks will do on it... http://sistersunshine.friendtest.com

I think I'm about to get stuck with the baby.

Time for another cigarette. Something else I need to give up.

We went to church today... but I'm not getting enough done. I did sweep the kitchen and living room, and put a load of laundry in today... gotta get offline and get some more stuff done soon!!!

Baby's fussing already, so I suppose I should log off and tend to her. I waited all day to get online, but, oh well!!!

Another boring day... not even worth writing about. I did watch a fairly interesting movie this afternoon, though... "Powder".

Sarah's on the phone with Jodi... the little girl who used to live next door.

It's time for Sarah to take her bath, but she's not doing it...

Bob just got up for work, so I guess I can go to bed now...

I'm having a rough time... I'm glad I'm going to the orthopedic surgeon on Tuesday... just not sure what he's gonna be able to do. the pain is really wearing me down, though!

Well, the baby went to bed at 7 last night, so she was up at 5 am and wouldn't go back to sleep. I just now got her to go back to bed... so I think I'm gonna log off and snooze for another hour or two...

I woke up this morning with my arm aching so badly I could hardly stand it! I'm glad I called the doc yesterday to request a referral to the orthopedic surgeon!

I guess I'd better log off soon and get some housework done... although I've been terribly lax this week with my sore arm and all. If I don't get going on it it'll just end up one big fat mess. Gotta at least sweep the floors so that when the baby goes crawling around she's not a human dustmop.

Right now it always seems like one step forward and two steps back!

I will be so happy when the day comes that I can get more accomplished around here!

Wow... been a few days since I made it here!

Also as usual, the baby is demanding my attention, so it's about time for me to log off and tend to her.

As usual, the weekend's been rough... and the weather's all rainy and icky. I haven't been to church for 3 weeks now... and not sure if I want to keep going where we have been. Decisions, decisions!

Bob also took Sarah for her recheck at the doctor's office. He is supposed to make sure the ear wax gets cleaned out of her ear... as well as stop at Eckerd's to pick up her prescription for Zyrtec. We'll see if he does or doesn't...

Another day... sigh. Bob went to work last night only to do maintenance so he could get a 40 hour paycheck, but he didn't work a full eight hours, so his check still won't be for forty hours. Then when he came home he just sat on the computer 'til everyone started getting up, and went out to the store to get bread... then cooked breakfast. That was nice, but I wish he'd done it a bit earlier, rather than waiting... and delaying the start of my homeschooling efforts.

He also swept the floor, but not very well, as when I put the baby down on it she still got pretty dirty. Sigh. I am so tired of feeling like if anything is to be done right I'll have to do it myself. There is only one of me and too much for one person to do. : (

I hope the baby gets back to sleeping through the night again soon. I need to get back to getting up at 5 am. That is hard to do if the baby wakes up before then, however.

Today seems to be running a bit smoother than most so far... (think positive, Lydia) it helps that I'm not watching the soaps... they eat up a huge chunk of my daily time.

Oh well. Time to bathe the baby and drop into bed for another night of strange and disturbing dreams...

I'm so stressed out... and I don't know what I can do about it. I don't have any money to go anywhere or do anything. Nothing I do seems fulfilling anymore. It's all just one big long boring blur.

I've gotta bathe the baby soon. She hasn't had a bath in 3 days cuz I nursed her at bathtime and she fell asleep.

Another crazy day. I've been in so much pain today I can hardly stand it!

Well, I'd better go. Maybe I'll get to come back and write some more later, but my life is pretty boring right now anyway.

Frank's getting tired of holding the baby... so I guess I'd better go fold my laundry before he dumps her back on me!

Nothing much changes around here, a little more work, a little less work... I've been in a lot of pain lately, but I'm not willing to go to the doctor about it yet.

I'm gonna have to log off and get some housework done. The kids need a little prompting on their schoolwork, too. I hope I can get back in the groove of getting up at 5 am again soon!

Seems like I'm only getting here every other day. I'm surprised I managed to get here today!

Well... the baby's awake, and I hear some suspicious screaming outside...

Yesterday a neighbor had a birthday party for her two year old. They had ponies brought over for the kids to ride. Today is another neighbor child's 10th birthday, and we've all been invited over for pizza... but we just ate steak a little while ago.

Baby's gonna wake up from her nap soon, then I'm gonna have to give up on what I'm doing...

Bob's getting ready for work, now... he has to go in early tonight.

Joanna just brought over a few disks with pics her mom shot of her and Frankie last night before they went to the prom. I'm gonna upload some of 'em to my fan club and other club(s) I belong to.

Didn't get here yesterday... baby was making it hard for me to stay online.

Kids didn't really make it much of a Mother's Day. I'm kinda disappointed. Oh well. That's life.

Why is it that every time I sign into Blogger the baby wakes up? Oh well. It's been a long hard day, and it ain't over yet!!!

Time to get offline soon, and get some "real world" work done!

Bob's got the baby now... just changed her diaper so she's good to go for a little while.

Now I'm nursing the baby, and typing one-handed. I seem to do that a lot.

Bob's home now, too... but he hasn't come in yet.

Uh oh... I just got here, but baby's waking up now. : (

My back hurts... gotta get back to getting some exercise. It's hard to do with the baby always demanding my attention. But nothing worthwhile is ever easy, eh?

Bob and Sarah are leaving for the grocery now... time to get Joey started on his lessons.

My grief recovery group has been cancelled. Oh well... c'est la vie... so much for "getting help". At least I bought the book... I'll finish reading it on my own, but not sure how much help it'll be without the class.

Sarah and Joe are playing chess at the table... when Bob leaves for the grocery and takes Sarah with him, I'll get Joe started on his homeschool work. He's been doing okay, but he balks at some of the writing work.

Baby let me sleep more last night, but only because I kept her in bed with me from about 3am onward. Kept a tight grip on her cuz I was afraid of her falling out of the bed again. She's still feverish. I'm trying to get as caught up on email, etc. as I can, so I can devote the rest of the day to housework.

On a positive note, I'm almost caught up with my email to the degree that it'll be much easier to get through each day's reading because I won't have any backlog to go through. If I do it by next weekend that'll make a nice Mother's Day present for myself... cuz then I'll feel free to spend the day enjoying my kids, knowing that nothing pressing (other than housework) awaits me.

I hate it when I'm not well-rested... can't think clearly, and don't get much done cuz my energy level is zilch.

Trying to get the kids to do their homeschooling after the baby kept me up all night then fell out of bed when I couldn't stay awake nursing her any more is a bitch! Baby's got a bump on her head but seems to be okay otherwise...

I know my time is running out, and the baby will be waking up any time now. I guess I'd better start closing windows and getting ready to log off.

The kids' rabbits are always amusing... Timmy's "thumps" at strange times, making one wonder what on earth he could be thinking.

I've been trying very hard to get my email under control... almost there.

Well, so far so good today... managed to get up at 5am... but I'm sleepy! And sneezy, too. Can't take Benadryl and go back to bed, either, since I have to homeschool the kids and take a bath to take Sarah to the doctor's at noon. She's had a cough for a month or more, and if Timmy doesn't stop coughing, he'll be next!

Nursing the baby now, and typing one-handed...

I've got to take Sarah to the doctor... her cough is not improving. However, Bob's on jury duty this week, so I can't make the appointment for her 'til he's done and I know I'll have the car to take her.

Didn't make it here yesterday. Yesterday was a day from hell... I didn't feel good, but had to take care of the baby, etc. Glad it's over.

Got the kids working on their homeschooling work right now... Joe's reading and Timmy's doing workbooks. After lunch I'm going to have Joey do some computer work.

Well, it's almost time to make them all come in... so I better enjoy my silent house while I can. I love it!

It is very peaceful here at the moment, but I suspect that's about to change, as sundown is less than an hour away, and the kids will be coming in. Right now they have Selena outside in her bouncer watching them play "hacky sack tennis" in the street.

I think I have the cold that the baby does, but a milder version... don't feel all that great, but not as bad as she obviously does.

My daughter, Sarah, made devilled eggs yesterday evening, and they got eaten up fairly quickly. Later on I made Kielbasa and Cabbage, which is a favorite of Frank and Joey's, but the other kids don't like it.

I got a lot more than usual done yesterday... washed & dried all the laundry that was in the hamper before sundown, although I didn't get it all folded or put away... also washed all the dishes that were in the sink before sundown, so that the sink doesn't fill up quite as badly today. PLUS I actually swept the house from the kitchen to the hallway... something that should be done daily, or at least 3-4 times a week... but seldom gets done.

Selena has a cold... she's all snotty and miserable. Poor thing. And Sarah's cough has gotten worse again, so I'm suspecting that she also has this cold on top of the cough she never got over from before. After she's been on the allergy medicine for a week (Tuesday) if she's still coughing, I'm making an appointment for her to see the doctor.

As usual, being up too early sux. I gave up on the diet/exercise thing 'til I'm through nursing the baby so I can take supplements that I can't take while I'm breastfeeding. I know... excuses excuses...

I went back to bed at 6am yesterday and didn't get up 'til 9. Since I've started a new diet/exercise program, I'm caffeine-deprived... can hardly stay awake.

This getting up at 5am is really wearing me down. I don't see how people manage to survive with chronic sleep deprivation!