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Monday, December 31, 2001

Ugh... Monday. Same work to do (laundry, dishes) different shows on primetime tv... sigh. Maybe I'll come back with more to say later.

Sunday, December 30, 2001

ANOTHER boring day... but I got more done than usual. Sigh. Still not enough... oh well. The baby's fussy, so I'd better not wax too philosophical here, just time to chill out & turn in... tomorrow's another day.

Saturday, December 29, 2001

Well, it's been a relatively boring day, so I won't say much I guess. We had steak for lunch, and when I get done here I have a ton of housework to do... but other than that not much is going on. BORING!

Friday, December 28, 2001

Once again: I am ledheadlydia on yahoo and AIM:



By the way, we now have a webcam, so I can show you the baby on yahoo messenger.
As usual, I didn't get back on later... the baby wore me out. But she fell asleep early in the crib and slept there 'til about 1:30 am again, then I changed her and nursed her + put her back to sleep in the bassinet in my room... which isn't going to be an option much longer as she is rapidly outgrowing it.

I went to the psychologist who specializes in substance abuse yesterday. She isn't going to see me for long either if I refuse to follow any of her recommendations. For example, she wants me to attend either N/A or A/A at least once a week. I'd rather go to church, personally. N/A and A/A are both a crock if you ask me. At N/A people come in and go "blah blah blah" then meet in the parking lot to score drugs off each other... and I'm not an alcoholic, so A/A is really not for me either. In fact, I'm sober now, and have no desire to get stoned since they'll take my kids away if I do. I like reefer, but I LOVE my kids. Well... we'll see what happens. At least I took a piss test last week, so the negative results will be in my favor if BSO forces the issue and takes me to court over my noncompliance.

She (Dr. Leiva, the psychologist) also wants me to determine what I want to change in my life, and actively work on that with her. There ARE some things I want to change, but I'm not sure if I want to badly enough to ACTIVELY work on them... time will tell. In the meantime, showing up for appointments with her is as much as I can deal with. If she drops me cuz I'm not following her recommendations, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I made chili last night, but we have no crackers nor shredded cheddar cheese, so my husband is supposed to be stopping at the store for those on the way home this morning. As a matter of fact, he just walked in. I guess I'll see what he got. Maybe I'll log back in here and add some more later. If not... toodles!

Thursday, December 27, 2001

The baby's fussy today, and I didn't get on 'til late, so I'll have to try to type more later. But I wanted to at least put a few words down, to be consistent... LOL

Wednesday, December 26, 2001

Well, I never did get to get back on last night... in fact, I was hard - pressed to even get the leftovers from dinner put away. By the time I finally got the baby to go to sleep for the night, I was too tired to do anything but lie down and go to sleep myself.

My husband bought the baby a swing for Christmas, and she got some other toys and clothes... the swing is a lifesaver, as it allows me to put her down so I can do things, and nine times out of ten she falls asleep in it. But when she falls asleep she ends up in this uncomfortable looking scrunched position, so we end up waking her back up! Sigh.

His online gf from Texas bought my husband a webcam for Christmas, but our computer doesn't have sufficient resources to use it. It's just as well, I get the distinct impression that they just want to have cybersex (yuck) using the webcams, and I really don't want any of my kids to wake up and come out here to see him doing THAT! It's bad enough that he clicks on every spam email he gets to sex sites... when he leaves the computer logged on to his screen I check to see where he's been at night and it's "lesbian" this and "free sex" that. Ugh. It doesn't make me want to be intimate with him, that's for sure... the way I see it if he's gonna get his jollies like that he's gonna be beating off instead of having the real thing, maybe permanently. Yuck, yuck, ptui! I HATE PORNOGRAPHY!

I don't much care for the idea of a webcam myself. I don't want people to see me. I'd rather let 'em imagine than be disappointed with what I really look like, sitting here in my nightgown with my hair sticking up, etc. Some things are best left private. On the other hand, it would afford me the chance to show folks what the baby's looking like these days, so I guess it's a toss up in some respects.

We also got a new printer for Christmas... but it hasn't made it out of the box yet. Only the "toys" and clothes actually made it out of their boxes. Some neighbor kid already broke one of my kids' toys... that made me pretty mad. The same kid's father bought him a bike for Christmas but couldn't be bothered to teach the poor child how to ride it... instead his older brother was out TRYING to teach him, and looking for MY oldest son to help. I told him my son was at a friend's house, but deliberately neglected to tell him which one... Frankie was enjoying his holiday, why spoil it? Another kid kept going through the neighborhood with his father on a new dirt bike... a case of a father attempting to relive his childhood through his son? Anyway, I hope he doesn't turn that kid loose on it in the neighborhood... it should be used in an open field somewhere. Very fast and very dangerous.

My husband bought my daughter a fancy bike - a Mongoose, and a lock for it which she says she won't use unless he takes her someplace because it clinks against the bike when she rides. The other kids got two different scooters (one has two wheels in the front, the other is a Razor) and a skateboard. Besides that there were art supplies, hot wheels and action figures, clothes, a purse and Teddy bear for Sarah, etc. and so on...

My son Timmy bought me a little glass box with a mirrored bottom in a yard sale across the street... as soon as I opened it my son Joe said "It only cost a dollar!" They are so amusing sometimes... I love my kids. I can't imagine my world without any single one of 'em.

I still haven't tried out my multitracker yet. I never seem to have time for anything. Not too much longer, now, though, before the baby gets a bit more independant and doesn't need/want my constant attention so much, so I'm trying to keep it all in perspective and be patient.

Well, I'm sleepy... so I think I'm gonna give up on reading any email or doing anything else online this morning in favor of going back to bed. Adios!

Tuesday, December 25, 2001

I don't know what's going on, but my blogger password has been changed... sigh. It's always something. Well, anyway, had a nice Christmas Day today... maybe I'll write more later, but got the baby on my lap right now demanding my attention.

Monday, December 24, 2001

TOO MUCH WORK TO DO! The baby has NOT been napping much, so it's all I can do to get the dishes done, and I've been WASHING laundry, but it seems like I'm NEVER going to get it all folded... sigh. How can I get anything else done when I can't even manage those simple tasks? The only way to get other things done is to skip my responsibilities. Oh well. It seems to bother me more than it bothers anyone else. I just feel incompetent and inadequate. I haven't written a song in ages...

I keep reminding myself to be patient, that the baby won't be so demanding forever. In a few more months she'll be getting more independant, and able to do things to amuse herself. For now, I think holding her and giving her all the love she needs will make her more secure later. Then I'll be sad that she DOESN'T want to be cuddled and loved on as much. (That's when I usually end up having another one, LOL)

I've never been the homemaker type... and trying to force it just made me miserable. I need to start selling my songs so I can hire a maid... that would help enormously.

Sunday, December 23, 2001

Well, my husband seems to be considering fixing the dishwasher I want to keep... I hope so. Other than that there's not much going on. I did most of the dishes last night, and I have a ton of laundry left to wash & fold.

I had to take some Benadryl this morning cuz I was all sneezy, now I've gotten sleepy. Sounds like I'm going through the seven dwarfs, huh?

Frankie was out 'til about 2am last night, cuz after the birthday party they all went bowling. Seems only about 5 of the 25 expected guests showed up. Bummer! Must be a drag to plan for a big party, only to have it turn out small. At least there were SOME guests... it would have been depressing if NO ONE showed up!

The baby doesn't seem to like sleeping in her crib at all... but she's going to have to get used to it, since she's rapidly outgrowing the bassinet. I've been putting her in the crib for naps, but she usually wakes up after 10 or 15 minutes. Yesterday she took a nap for a bit longer, a couple of hours, but she had been taking better naps in the bassinet. Every transition is difficult. I think it's harder on me than it is on her, though.

I think this afternoon I'm taking Sarah to get a Christmas present for her dad... the boys don't seem to care. She knows what she wants to get, so it's just a matter of picking out the one she wants. I still need a couple of garment boxes for Sarah and Tim's gifts, and I wanted to get more stocking stuffers. Bob (my husband) wanted to skip the stockings this year, but I think that would be a terrible disappointment to the kids. As it is, he wrapped some of the gifts without a name, they only say "for good little boys and girls" and he expects them to share those items. Dunno how THAT'S gonna work out.

Saturday, December 22, 2001

It's been a long boring day. I finally got Selena to take a nap... she wouldn't stay down for more than five or ten minutes at a time, and I had to hold her for most of the day... but she's in dreamland now. Sigh. So peaceful...

My oldest son is shooting pool with his "best friend". I use that term loosely because what kind of best friend puts you down by calling you names such as "loser"? Personally, I think when he says such things to Frankie he should have a mirror held up to him and be made to repeat what he just said. Anyway, Frank is keeping him distracted while his family prepares a surprise birthday party for him. It starts at 5:30 and doesn't end 'til 11. I want to know who in their right mind plans a party of such duration? 2-4 hours is average party length, for crying out loud... anyway, I'm considering picking my son up instead of letting him ride home with his "friend's" mother, as she has been known to be quite a drinker, and I don't relish the thought of my son riding with a drunk. I do hope she WON'T be drinking during her son's party, but I'm fairly certain she will be.

My other three children are playing outside, and have only come in today long enough to eat, drink, or "use the facilities". They will have to come in to begin their baths in about 20 minutes, but I may let them stay out past sundown 'til it's completely dark, since the baby's napping so peacefully. Haven't made up my mind about that yet... but if I do, I'll probably watch out over them. I prefer to have them come on in at sundown as the visibility drops and the likelihood of them being run over in the street increases, although we live in a dead-end neighborhood... sometimes people drive faster than they should, just the same.

I keep the Sabbath, although I don't do anything to observe it in a religious sort of way, I do not do any work from sundown on Friday 'til sundown on Saturday, nor do I expect my children to do so. I do my best to discourage it, period, but I can't tell my husband what to do (he made that clear a LONG time ago) and it has often been difficult to get houseguests to comply with this policy. Anyway, since I don't do any work on the Sabbath, I have a good pile of dishes and laundry waiting for me when it's over. Sigh. Life goes on...

I caught up on a lot of reading online today, clearing a lot of my email. I suppose one might consider that work, and therefore in violation of my Sabbath rule, but regardless, that is what I did today. I sat here and read email for most of the day. Still not completely caught up on my backlog, but tomorrow I should get closer... on Sundays there is very little incoming email. I'm going to try to send out some ecards for Christmas, too. (Can't afford REAL gifts!)

Oh yeah... more good news/bad news... my dishwasher (which is a fancy model - the "Cadillac" of dishwashers, as it were) is repairable, but it will cost $400 or more to do it. The guy wants to sell us a cruddy old reconditioned dishwasher for $200... but I'd be sacrificing a lot on features to accept that deal. I've priced new ones, and for what my husband is willing/able to spend, ($2-300) I can't get one anywhere near as nice as the one I have now. Sigh. What to do, what to do... I think I should take the money my husband is willing to put towards it, and tuck it away 'til I can add enough to repair the one I have that I like so much. I don't know. If you read this and have a suggestion, email me. ledheadlydia@aol.com

Friday, December 21, 2001

An unusual day... my husband was off work & on the computer all night (as usual... he always stays up all night on the computer when he's off work) but what's unusual is that it's 57 degrees outside, pretty chilly for south Florida! My youngest son was on the computer when I got up... and my oldest son who usually sleeps 'til noon (we homeschool them) was up too. The boys are still up.

Yesterday I didn't hand out any flyers. Instead I went to the lab & had a urine test ($30) then went Christmas shopping with the money my husband gave me. I did pretty good. I got gifts for my husband and four oldest kids, plus wrapping paper, ribbons, diapers, twine, and some candy for $120. I was 20 cents short at the register when I was in Target, but the cashier said she was over by 10 cents, so I was only 10 cents short, and not to worry about it. Merry Christmas! I hope someone else left her a dime so she came out even at the end of the night!

I got plenty of exercise shopping... went to "Sawgrass Mills" a HUGE outlet mall with equally huge stores... but I found what I was looking for. No two items in the same store, though. I even found pajamas with feet in size 12 for my oldest daughter, and swim trunks for my middle son. The other gifts weren't as difficult to find.

That wore me out, so I didn't really get much else done. The baby didn't nap, so she fell asleep around 7:30 pm and woke up at 1:30... she went back to sleep around 2:30 am, and so did I! The house is a mess, but I still haven't been able to really bring myself to care much.

Thursday, December 20, 2001

I am ledheadlydia on yahoo and AIM:

Good news and bad news always seem to come together in the same package... LOL. My new multitracker did not come with an A/C adapter, so I will have to buy one to use it. It runs on batteries, which were included, but only well enough to test it and make sure it works. Thereafter I will need the power supply. Sigh. That's gonna be about $20, and the digital cable to connect it to the computer for burning CDs will be another $40... but I won't need THAT until I've successfully completed my first song.

Yesterday was rough. Timmy (my 7 year old) was sick in the morning, and threw up all over the couch. (Guess who got to clean THAT up?) But he only threw up once. Later in the day my oldest daughter, Sarah, began to vomit, and kept it up for the rest of the day and into the night. She's better this morning, but sore. I think the baby may have had a touch of it too. I hope that's the end of it!

I tried to hand out more flyers for my errand service, but I didn't get far before the baby got fussy and I had to come on home. At least going out to distribute them gets me to go out every day and get a little exercise. Plus I had to go MAKE more flyers, so while I was out I stopped by the Post Office and checked my box + picked up a package I had waiting. (More free baby formula... something we only use when I can't be home to feed Selena, so I have a good hoard of it going)

I've been keeping up pretty well with laundry and dishes, but still haven't found the motivation to get anything further done in the house. Aside from the tree & lights, I haven't bothered to put up Christmas decorations... I think I'm just gonna put the box containing the other decorations back up in the loft for another year. Maybe next year I'll feel more like putting it all out and embracing the "holiday spirit".

Wednesday, December 19, 2001

Well, he did it! Manny bought me the multitracker! I went and picked it up yesterday. Now I have to find time to read the manual and learn how to use it... then I'll be able to record ALL my music digitally. Stripped of excuses, now the pressure's on to produce!

The guy who looked at my dishwasher said that it would be around $400 to fix it, but he'd sell us a used one, installed, for half that. Well, my son Frankie and I like the one we've got... so it's back to square one on fixing it. My husband thinks if he can get the electronics it needs, he can fix it himself... I'm skeptical. He's kind of a "Tim Taylor" when it comes to fixing things... they end up completely ruined half the time.

I let Sarah use the video camera and she shot a bunch of garbage footage. She's not mature enough yet to be allowed to use it for any great length of time. Instead of putting it on "standby" when she's not shooting something important, she just lets the tape keep rolling through anything. And she's yet to learn to hold it steady, so viewing the footage she shot makes one rather seasick. I think I'm going to put the camera back up 'til Christmas Day, and perhaps get it out occasionally, but for the most part I think it'll stay put away.

It still seems that I am never going to have enough time and energy to get everything that needs to be done taken care of. I'm not sure what to do about it.

Tuesday, December 18, 2001

Well, I had a much more productive day than usual yesterday. I got up early and sent out my newsletter (which still isn't being delivered on time...) then came here and chronicled a bit... then I went back to bed for a while.

When I got up again I got some laundry going, then made lunch/dinner for everyone. Later I went out and dropped off some stuff to charity, and picked up a couple of lithium batteries for our video camera. After that I put Selena (my baby) in the stroller and went out distributing flyers for my errand service (to be... I haven't had any calls yet)

I made the mistake of going online for a while when I got back... I should have done the dishes THEN and gone online LATER because I ended up doing dishes very late when I didn't feel much like doing it. But I had to get them done, so they'd be dry and put away by noon today, because I FINALLY got to call a repairman to come and look at the dishwasher.

The guy (Manny) who sent a check to Guitar Center to buy me a digital multitracker, said to call them today and see if they've received it yet. When I get that I'll be starting to record more songs for uploading to website... http://sistersunshine.com/TOC.html so I'm kinda excited about that prospect. Step by step and bit by bit. I'll still need a few things to make it work!

My son went through my daughter's and my hair last night and was unable to find any more lice or eggs... I hope it stays that way now! Those little bugs are diabolical... and it makes me not want to let my kids go anywhere or go anywhere myself, as well as not wanting to let anyone in the house.

Speaking of letting people in the house, the people from "Kids in Distress" will be stopping by to check up on me today, and the woman from DCF didn't call yesterday, so I am expecting to hear from her soon as well. I'm not looking forward to dealing with HER for four more months while I undergo a substance abuse program with a psychologist from my insurance company, but right now I am just hoping I can complete it to the satisfaction of all involved so they will close my case and leave me alone!

Monday, December 17, 2001

Here we are... another Monday. After I write this I think I'm going to go back to bed. The baby woke me up in the middle of the night, and I'm all groggy now. Not that I have any real trouble sleeping otherwise... I do sleep well, even if my dreams ARE kinda bizarre.

Today I need to call a repairman to get an estimate on having my dishwasher fixed, before my husband changes his mind about it. The solar panel (hot water heater) has begun to leak again... I wonder how many times THAT is going to have to be repaired?

The lying bitch from DCF will be calling back today, too, to see when she can come see the kids. They won't be closing the case 'til I complete rehab, and I don't know how long that's going to take, since their primary goal is to make me think differently. I wish I weren't so honest, because if I could just lie and get it over with it would be a lot easier. This whole rigamorale is really getting to me. I feel terrorized by these people... traumatized... if only I could afford a good lawyer. Then I'd tell 'em all to take a flying leap. But alas... I can not even afford to buy a single Christmas present, much less hire a lawyer. At least my husband has a little money that his father gave him, part of his dead uncle's estate. But he seems dead set on spending it all for Chrismas junk instead of using it to fix up what needs it around here. Sigh. Well, I guess I can't complain. He could have thrown me out a long time ago, and he's still putting up with me after all my bullshit.

Sunday, December 16, 2001

Well, I've got the time set correctly now, so I can quit putting the "real" time first in my entries... LOL

I've run into a problem with my newsletter. It's not being delivered. It's posting at the Topica site, but no one is getting it. Maybe the guy who complained to me or someone else accused me of spamming and Topica quit sending it out... put some kind of block on my account. I'm not sure, but I have the list of subscribers backed up on my hard drive... so I can begin sending it out directly, if need be. I've only been doing it for two weeks and already hit a snag... sigh. Oh well. And just when I'd gotten so responsible about getting up and getting it sent out every day!

We did the lice treatment again last night, but I was too tired to stay up and finish the laundry, so I've got to do that today... and the dishes are all piled up. My husband has been off work on vacation, but he's too busy viewing pornography and chatting to his "girlfriend(s)" on the computer at night to help me out by getting anything practical done. Sigh. That pornography destroys any romantic feelings I might have had for him. It disgusts me. Makes me wish he'd just disappear. And people thing DRUGS are a bad addiction.

The baby has been very demanding the past few days. She hardly lets me put her down. I don't know what's up with that. I hope she gets over it soon, though.

I made more flyers for my "Errand Service" and hope to get out this afternoon to hand them out. I haven't registered the name I want to use yet, so they're generic. If I start getting work with these flyers, then I'll register the name and get a business license. But otherwise, I just have no money to do so yet.

Saturday, December 15, 2001

4:35pm est Better late than never... I didn't get around to this earlier today when I was online. Nothing much to say anyway... all I did today was make a new batch of baby wipes cuz I ran out of 'em. Sigh. What a boring life I have these days. Maybe that will change soon.

Friday, December 14, 2001

7:55am est: There's an online friend of mine whom I've never met in person, but he wants to help me further my career and get my music out to the world, so he is buying me a digital multitrack recorder with which I can make CDs by transferring what I record on it through the computer to my CD writer. I hope he's not pulling my leg, but if he is, it was a nice thought. If he is he's doing a good job of it, cuz he phoned last night giving me the serial # of the check, as well as the date it was written and amount... he said that Guitar Center wouldn't let him pay by phone with a credit card unless he had it shipped to his house instead of mine, so he's mailing them the money and I can pick it up when they receive it... if he's telling the truth I should be able to go get it by this time next week.

I couldn't get an appointment with the psychologist who does substance abuse treatment until the 27th (after Christmas) so I hope the bitch from DCF doesn't go ballistic on me over that. As it is, if they wanted to remove our children from this home they'd have to lie, or at the very least exaggerate to do so. They have been coming here since September and found no evidence of neglect or abuse thus far, it would make them look pretty stupid to take my kids NOW based on my noncompliance with their bullshit. Sure... take me to court... whatever. But my children are not endangered and never were. These laws are stupid. Who in their right mind considers a person who uses marijuana to be any kind of threat to anyone?

Thursday, December 13, 2001

7:49am est: I had a rough time yesterday. I went to Spectrum, the rehab I was supposed to be admitted to (outpatient group therapy) and they refused to admit me based on my attitude... so now I HAVE to go to someone through my insurance company, and PAY for it. Kids in Distress was going to pay for Spectrum, and that's the only reason I agreed to it. I didn't want to go there. But the woman from DCF being a liar concerns me... she could get me in further trouble by saying whatever she feels like, and they're going to believe HER over ME because she's the caseworker. It makes me very angry when my honesty counts for nothing. In fact, it makes me downright suicidal... this whole situation. If I left town, they'd just swear out a warrant for my arrest... and I haven't really done anything. Certainly nothing that would hurt anyone. All I did was smoke a little weed and chose, wrongly, to be honest about it. Now I'm being treated as though I committed a major crime. Suicide seems like the only way out. It's a good thing I'm too chickenshit to actually kill myself.

The only thing that keeps me going right now is my baby's beautiful sunny smile. She depends on me and loves me more than anyone/anything else in the world. But I feel like I'm getting nowhere fast, and I don't know how/when that's going to change. Everything is getting on my nerves, and making me depressed and anxious, and the healthcare system's answer to that would just be to put me on medication. Well, HELLO... my problem is not biochemical... it is external. I am being harassed by the "powers that be" and that is causing me to have a traumatic stress reaction. Duh! I wish I had money, because if I did I would hire a lawyer and sue them for terrorizing me.

Wednesday, December 12, 2001

7:52am est: I managed to go to bed with the baby last night... but I had to let her fall asleep in bed with me. Then I woke up at around 2am to put her in the bassinet... which she is rapidly outgrowing. I'm going to start putting her to bed in her sister's room, in the crib... soon. She woke me up for the day at about 7:10 this morning. (Yawn) That's okay. I had been getting up earlier, but my husband (who works nights) has been on vacation this week, which throws my whole routine off.

I'm going to that rehab place today, so they can put me in the computer. Not looking forward to it... but afterwards I'm going to go check my P.O. Box and then go to Guitar Center to find out about multitrackers... an online friend wants to buy me a digital one for Christmas. We'll see...

Tuesday, December 11, 2001

8:19am est: I could not even stay awake with the baby last night... I had to let my two oldest kids take her and I went on to sleep. I don't know what it is, but I've been very sleepy. Yesterday was pretty uneventful, other than the DCF (Department of Children and Families) calling to try and come by, and flat out LYING to both my husband and myself. She told my husband she'd be by at 2, that the 12:00 appointment we set was impossible because something had come up, and if 2:00 was inconvenient to have me call her. When she still hadn't showed up around 3, I called her and she said that's NOT what she told my husband. SHE says she told him to tell me to call her to reschedule. Grrrrrrrrrr. I KNOW it is SHE who is lying. What would my husband have to gain by lying? And we have to put up with these people for at least 3 more months while I go through rehab, because they won't close the case 'til I've complied with all of their demands. Some FREE country...

Monday, December 10, 2001

7:25am est: I am so tired... and I just got up an hour ago. I wish I weren't so depressed. Everything seems so hopeless these days. I'm afraid I have very little to say right now, other than that my existence is burdensome and I see no end to it any time soon...

Sunday, December 09, 2001

8:12am est: I've hit a snag in the publication of my newsletter... (http://www.topica.com/lists/PEEVES/)
the host, Topica, is down for maintenance! I hope it's back up soon, cuz I have a lot of housework to do today:

Living in sunny south Florida can have its benefits, but one of the drawbacks is the number of "critters" one has to contend with. My daughter keeps getting lice... and every time we have to eradicate this problem it is time consuming and expensive. Shampooing with lice shampoo, combing through the hair for nits, washing every stitch of laundry in the house, and spraying everything that can't be washed with lice spray... it's enough to make me want to shave all of our heads and keep 'em that way!

Last night I did most of it, but went to bed at 2am exhausted, knowing that the baby was going to get me up first thing in the morning, not to mention that I (thought I) had to send out my newsletter... surpise surprise... I could have taken the baby and gone back to bed for a while if I'd known that Topica wasn't going to be finished with their maintenance yet!

Saturday, December 08, 2001

7:12am est: I'm getting more and more depressed. This rehab thing is really getting me down... the one I don't want to go to, Kids in Distress will pay for, and to do it through my insurance company means we will have to come up with the money ourselves. Plus, the DCF worker today told me their main goal is to make me change my attitude and belief about marijuana. Well, HELLO! They can not do that. All they CAN do is force me into a position where I must lie in order to avoid having my children taken away. I am an honest person and resent this. But what really gets me is that I THOUGHT I had a constitutional right to think & believe what I choose. These people are telling me that if I don't agree with their propaganda that they will remove my children from my home. Can anyone say NAZI?

On the brighter side, my husband is behind me all the way. I've offered to leave so they'll stop coming around and quit bothering him, but he says he doesn't want that. On the other hand, he's been having trouble sleeping when he normally doesn't, so I know it IS getting to him. They are treating him like a criminal basically because he did not turn me in for smoking pot. How free is this country, really? But where is it any better?

Now I am really at a point where I do not feel like doing any housework, etc. much less decorating for Christmas. Lately I wish I could just cease to exist... life has become an unbearable burden. I am weary of living under the threat of DCF and the fear & intimidation tactics they use. I wish to God I could afford a good lawyer so I could just get these people off my back! And why stop there... if I could afford a good lawyer, I could afford a housekeeper, and, for that matter, a larger home out in the country with horses. Sigh. Maybe one day... but will I be too old and feeble to enjoy it by then?

Friday, December 07, 2001

9:40am est: A little late today... but better late than never! I went to the lab this morning for blood/urine testing for my annual physical. I think she blew my last good vein... sigh. I had great veins 'til about 4 years ago when I was in and out of the hospital for "placenta previa" with my 5th pregnancy. They blew all but one during that nightmare.

When I went for the drug evaluation yesterday they didn't even test me, just said I need rehab because since this is my second offense, I'm considered a chronic user. Anyway, they want me to show up next Wednesday with $45 to enter me into their computer system, and then $33.75/week for 12 weeks, once a week for group sessions. I'm going to try to do it through my insurance instead, somewhere else, because I'm convinced that they only want to sign me up to get money and don't really care if they help me any or not.

My baby has been a little fussy and seems to have a bit of a bug... she's been spitting up more than usual and I had to keep her in bed with me last night cuz every time I tried to put her to bed she spit up again. I hope she's over it now! If it persists I'm gonna have to take her to the doctor.

Thursday, December 06, 2001

7:04am est: I didn't sleep very well last night. I thought it was because the AC coils froze up, but it turns out that it was because my oldest son took a late night shower, and turned the AC to "fan" and forgot to put it back on "cool" afterward. Aaaaaaaargh!

I forgot to "fast" last night, having some juice in the middle of the night, so I couldn't go to the lab this morning for my blood/urine tests. It's just as well, though... I have to go take a drug test this afternoon because of some trouble I got in: when my baby was born, she and I tested positive for marijuana. Since the same thing happened four years ago when I had my last baby, they're REALLY treating me like a criminal this time. We have had DCF (Division of Children and Families), BSO (Broward Sheriff's Organization), and KID (Kids In Distress) keeping tabs on us... making sure our kids aren't neglected or abused...

So far it's been okay. BSO are the worst pain in the ass, DCF is wasting their time, and should be concentrating on REAL child abuse cases, since they're shorthanded as it is, and while they're bothering me, some poor kid across town is probably being beaten to death... Kids in Distress has been pretty kewl. They brought us a turkey and everything to go with it except dessert, for Thanksgiving, and they're wanting to know what the kids want for Christmas now. They also have brought clothes, puzzles and balls, and an art kit for the kids. I guess I'll be kinda bummed when THEY quit coming.

An online friend of mine wants to help me out by buying me a digital multitracker to record my music. I told him they're expensive, but he doesn't care. It amazes me how generous people can be when they've never even met you!

Well, the baby will be waking up soon, so I'd better wrap this up... I hope it posts properly with no problems. Just in case I'm gonna copy the text before I hit "post & publish" this time...

Wednesday, December 05, 2001

8:41am est: I tried to post here this morning and got some kind of server error... sigh. Try, try again. Let's see how much I can remember of what I wrote... I suppose I should do what I've been doing with my newsletter, and write it in word first, then cut & paste it here, so I won't have to rewrite if that happens. Well, I thought I had 36 subscribers to my newsletter, but today I see only 35. I don't know if I misread yesterday or if someone's already unsubscribed... but I'm pleased that so far I've managed to get up and post a new edition every day. It at least promotes some level of consistency for me, as that is something sorely lacking in my life.

I'm still only getting laundry, dishes, and internet done... not really TRYING to get around to doing more. I know INTELECTUALLY that I need to get some exercise and clean up my house, but I am just not motivated enough. I wish I could bring myself to care more...

I went to the doctor yesterday for a checkup. Nothing wrong with me that I know of, just lazy. Haven't gone to the lab for the bloodwork/urine test as that requires fasting and I'd want to go as soon as they're open which I can't do except when my husband is off work and the car is home. He doesn't get in 'til about ten after eight, ordinarily.

Tuesday, December 04, 2001

7:37am est: Well, I got three new subscribers yesterday, but only one peeve to post for tomorrow. If no one else sends me some today, I'm going to have to send out my own personal peeve(s). The newsletter is fun, but it does take some effort!

I managed to get the laundry and dishes done and cook dinner yesterday, as well as bleaching my hair cuz the roots were getting LONG. I'm still kinda depressed, though, so I haven't gotten off my lazy ass to really clean up the house or decorate for the holidays. I know getting some exercise would give me more energy, but I just can't bring myself to care enough to do it.

Monday, December 03, 2001

7:18am est: So far so good. I have a total of 33 subscribers for my new Pet Peeves newsletter (http://www.topica.com/lists/PEEVES/) and enough peeves have been sent to cover the first three issues. Hopefully it will continue like that. I didn't finish my housework yesterday, though... so I gotta get caught up on that today. Uh oh... the baby's up and crying. Time to go get her...

Sunday, December 02, 2001

8:12am est: Well, I've discovered that I misspelled my screen name here at Blogger when I signed up, and that seems to be the one thing that can't be edited or changed. That's what I get for doing things so early in the morning and only paying half attention...

Today I sent out my first issue of the new Pet Peeves newsletter I created at Topica. So far I have 29 subscribers, which isn't too shabby considering that so far I've only sent out 201 invitations, that's almost a 15% return! I'm learning that it's not so easy, though... the first time through I got "bumped" just as I was ready to hit "send" and had to re-type the whole thing... so perhaps from now on I should type it up in Word first and then cut and paste it to the list. Also when I DID send it there were typos, for one I didn't put anything in the subject line, and I called my first peever a brave "sould" instead of "soul". Well... live and learn!

Saturday, December 01, 2001

7:19am est: I have long been planning to beging journaling... and have more notebooks with one or more pages started in them than I care to count. I am hoping that this format will keep me coming back to post and help me to be more consistent. Wish me luck!