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Thursday, December 13, 2001

7:49am est: I had a rough time yesterday. I went to Spectrum, the rehab I was supposed to be admitted to (outpatient group therapy) and they refused to admit me based on my attitude... so now I HAVE to go to someone through my insurance company, and PAY for it. Kids in Distress was going to pay for Spectrum, and that's the only reason I agreed to it. I didn't want to go there. But the woman from DCF being a liar concerns me... she could get me in further trouble by saying whatever she feels like, and they're going to believe HER over ME because she's the caseworker. It makes me very angry when my honesty counts for nothing. In fact, it makes me downright suicidal... this whole situation. If I left town, they'd just swear out a warrant for my arrest... and I haven't really done anything. Certainly nothing that would hurt anyone. All I did was smoke a little weed and chose, wrongly, to be honest about it. Now I'm being treated as though I committed a major crime. Suicide seems like the only way out. It's a good thing I'm too chickenshit to actually kill myself.

The only thing that keeps me going right now is my baby's beautiful sunny smile. She depends on me and loves me more than anyone/anything else in the world. But I feel like I'm getting nowhere fast, and I don't know how/when that's going to change. Everything is getting on my nerves, and making me depressed and anxious, and the healthcare system's answer to that would just be to put me on medication. Well, HELLO... my problem is not biochemical... it is external. I am being harassed by the "powers that be" and that is causing me to have a traumatic stress reaction. Duh! I wish I had money, because if I did I would hire a lawyer and sue them for terrorizing me.

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