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Thursday, January 31, 2002

Ever since my baby started on cereal, she’s begun to wake up every day at 6:30 am, and doesn’t want to take her naps in the daytime any more! She’s wearing me out!

I went and peed for the state today. Allegedly after I do this two more times, once in February and once in March, they will close the case and leave me alone. I'll believe it when I see it!

I went and dropped off the other bassinet at the charity I go to today, and picked up a high chair & a few other things. Well... gotta go, the baby needs her diaper changed.

Wednesday, January 30, 2002

Tuesday, January 29, 2002

Baby's fussy... let me see if I can quickly encapsulate the day...
I went to the shrink at noon, had a nice chat about carpal tunnel syndrome, sex, kids, pets, typing, and a host of other subjects... remarkable for one hour. She's a busy busy lady. Amazing. She has no kids or pets, and I don't think she's married either... she has three offices, and bikes/rollerblades on weekends. Says she types up abou 30-40 reports a week and can't even touch type!

While I was at the shrink the new caseworker from DCF came... she said they want a drug test from me once a month for at least the next two months, and then they can close the case. I'll believe that when I see it. I sure hope so. This shit has dragged on for long enough!

The rest of the day has been relatively uneventful, save for the fact that the baby didn't seem interested in eating her cereal today. I don't know why. Not pushing her though... if she doesn't want it, no biggie. She will eventually be interested in eating all the time, so if she wants to take a break that's okay. She is still nursing well.

Monday, January 28, 2002

Just a rotten rotten day. Here is a copy of the letter I sent to a few people who insisted on knowing what was wrong:
You asked for it...
Life just sux, that's all.
It's a long story... lotta shit
I keep having a massive headache every day-sinus on the left side I think it's related to the wisdom tooth that's impacted over there... past x-rays showed the roots were invading my sinuses.
On top of that, DCF called today and wants me to have a $30 piss test by the end of the month (Friday) and I have to go to the shrink ($25) tomorrow, plus the dishwasher repair guy AND DCF worker are coming tomorrow. The dishwasher is gonna be yet another $25 on top of all we already paid him cuz it needed a new heating element, which may be what blew the computer out to begin with...
I can't just pull the tooth. I have to go to an oral surgeon, and the insurance only covers a percentage of the total. Gonna have to wait 'til Bob (my husband) gets the tax refund back, and he doesn't even have all his W2's to file yet.
Not to mention I have a list on the bedroom wall by his desk of all the things the tax refund money was already needed for... tooth removal wasn't on there.
I've been crying a lot. Strangely enough, that seems to relieve a lot of the pain... I guess it decongests me.
I hate my life.
Baby wouldn't take a nap today... I guess she senses my stress and it affects her, which then makes it worse...
I got a Christmas card from a friend (Bill) today in a package with my son's birthday gifts... seems it got returned to him by the post office when he sent it originally. It had a $25 check in it which I promptly signed and gave to Bob to help defray all these expenses...
I have a constant sinus headache on the left side, sometimes dull, sometimes sharp... and sometimes with the addition of a burning sensation. It's hard to think through it. It's about to drive me insane.
How's that? Remember... YOU asked!
Up late again but ready to go to bed soon. Bob has been scheduled for five days this week, which sure beats the hell out of the three he was scheduled for last week. He did take a vacation day to help fill out the paycheck a bit, but with the 22 hours he worked, that still makes only 30 he's getting paid for. Yikes! If this keeps up I'll have no choice but to seek some form of employment.

Baby fought sleep this evening, which made clipping her nails very difficult. I had to do it, though, cuz they were getting dangerously long and I was afraid she was going to hurt herself. Plus she kept pinching us all! Managed to get it done without nipping her like I did last time, though. I felt so bad when I made my poor little girl bleed... even though she didn't seem the least bit disturbed by it. She didn't whine, cry, or complain in the slightest.

These daily headaches are getting me down. If they don't stop soon (within a week or two) I'm going to have to go to the doctor about them. I just hate to do that when Bob's income is at an absolute low. However, I do prefer to keep him as broke as possible so he can't be spending money on pornography or Penny. So I guess it's okay.

I gotta go to the shrink again on Tuesday. Ms. Holman from DCF never has called this month, however, so I don't know if they've decided it was time to close my case or if BSO told her they're taking me to court, or what. Nerve-wracking. If I haven't heard from her by the first of the month, I'm going to call her and find out why. She is supposed to come every month and have all my kids sign forms that say she came... blah blah blah... buncha bullshit. Beware us dangerous potheads. What a bunch of nonsense. Wasting time harassing me while some poor kid's getting his brains bashed in across town and they're doing nothing about it.

Saturday, January 26, 2002

I am about ready to go out of my mind. I'm overtired and underhelped... sigh. I have so much to do I don't know where to start. My oldest son is not home, and probably won't be for at least another hour... and he wants to go out of town for a week or two or even a month or two... it is hard enough to get through one day without his help. I want to cry my eyes out. No, I don't think antidepressants would help... that wouldn't solve a damn thing. All it would do is add to the cost of living which is spiraling out of control while my husband's schedule is diminishing. There's no way adding an expense is going to benefit us... and medication is not going to change the situation. Plus, the last time I was on antidepressants, Zoloft to be exact, I HATED the stuff. Gave me heart palpitations making me feel like I was going to have a heart attack, and creepy dreams. NO I DON'T WANT ANTIDEPRESSANTS! Unless they legalize reefer as one. A phat stogey right now would definately put me in the right state of mind to tolerate all that is before me, as well as in the mood to get things done. Sigh. The drug companies are behind keeping it illegal, cuz they know it would eliminate the need for most of their garbage that they push on us poor hapless souls. I just hope I don't end up court ordered to take that poison. Who knows? It might be Prozac or something that will make me COMPLETELY bonkers. Don't wanna risk it.

Friday, January 25, 2002

Another day another disappointment. The parts to repair my dishwasher came in, finally, so he came and repaired it, only to find that the heating element was dead, and may have been what blew out the computer to begin with. Gotta wait 'til next week now for THAT to come in. Sigh. Maybe we should have just bought a whole new dishwasher.

I've been spending so much time chatting online that I haven't gotten to my email for days... sigh. Never enough time.

And I keep having sinus headaches every day lately. I really really wish it would STOP!

My oldest son, Frank, swept & mopped last night, so at least the floor isn't all sticky and yucky any more. It's always something! I wish I could afford a maid to get the rest of the cleaning done... sigh.

gotta hold the baby now... time to go

Thursday, January 24, 2002

Man... it's been another tough day... not getting anything done... been chatting with one friend after another on IMs all day and have hardly read any of my email. Made 2 boxes of baby wipes, and washed laundry but didn't get any folded. Managed to give Selena her 3 helpings of rice cereal... and made sausage & eggs for Timmy and myself this morning (no one else was hungry when we ate)

Baby's really demanding since I started her on cereal... like she's had a personality change!

Wednesday, January 23, 2002

Today didn't star out so bad... but maybe because I stayed up 'til 3am last night, it's gone downhill from there. It's been a rough one... and this evening I had to change clothes 3 times in one hour when the baby pooped and spit up all over me, herself, and the chair I'm sitting on, then I bathed her and she spit up on me again... sigh. More laundry. But at least she's had her bath for the night early... she should be ready to go to sleep in another hour or two. I'm beat. Won't be burning the midnight oil tonight... and my email's piling up again, just when I was starting to get caught up on it!

Tuesday, January 22, 2002

Copy of the letter I sent to Rex this morning: Not only was Bob only scheduled to work 3 days this week, but he got off 2 1/2 hours early today... came straight in the door and headed for the computer... (without stopping to see if I was awake & talking to me) but I asked him to go to the store and get me some Coke. (I woulda told him I needed it last night, but he left for work without speaking to me.) I then jumped on the computer hoping you'd be on... but I guess I missed ya. Sigh. That's life, eh? Selena woke up at 5:30 this morning... first time I tried to let her sleep in the crib. She's back to bed now and I'm wide awake... debating about whether to stay online or let Bob go on and talk to you know who...
I guess I'll go back to bed. Selena has a checkup today, and that means I have to get my shit together and go out later... not used to that. If Bob doesn't start working more I'm gonna have to get used to going out, though, cuz I'm gonna have to get a J.O.B.!
Oh well... too bad you're not still on. Love ya anyway!
Yes... life really sucks sometimes.

Monday, January 21, 2002

Well, back to the same old same old. Time to log off and give the baby her bath... my husband goes to work only tonight, Wednesday, and Thursday this week. Sigh. Broke city next week... and who knows how long thereafter? Feast or famine.
I'm up later than usual, and I guess it's kinda stupid to stay up... but when the baby's awake I can't really get caught up online very well. Of course, the later I stay up the more I'm gonna regret it tomorrow when she won't let me sleep... but it's a holiday, so at least I don't have to worry about the kids' homeschooling tomorrow. Thank you Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.! (Even if the garbage men won't come...)

It's really annoying me that the Texas bimbo my husband won't stop talking to is feeding his pornography addiction. Just who the hell does she think she is? I can think of some serious tortures I'd like to implement on her sorry ass. It's a good thing I'm a writer or I might be a horrible criminal. Perhaps that is what I should do... write a book about what I'd like to do. The best revenge would be if it were a bestseller, and when I do the talk show circuit she could see me on tv telling about her and how she inspired it, knowing full well I was talking about her but never giving her direct credit.

In the meantime, this blog is a good way to let off steam regarding that and other situations. Perhaps, therefore, it IS a good idea to stay up late at night once in a while, as I may be more reserved during the day.

Sunday, January 20, 2002

I created this slambook just now:

View My Slambook!

Sign My Slambook!

I hope some folks will come and sign it!
Here's the stupid test I took today:
Drink me!

Which drink are you?

Been snooping in my husband's email and see that bitch Penny's sending him links to xxx sites. I'm about ready to go to Texas and give her what she's asking for (and not what she thinks)

Saturday, January 19, 2002

The baby is very demanding today... getting bored easily. I can hardly wait 'til she can sit up and play with toys, etc. But that will bring its own set of problems, as she'll be mobile soon after and getting into everything!

It's been a boring day... no wonder the baby's annoyed. The weather's hotter than usual, and it's either too hot or too cold no matter where I set the A/C. Sigh. Nothing's perfect in this world.

Well, maybe something will change soon, but for now, same old same old.

Friday, January 18, 2002

I don't really believe in fun anymore. Nothing interests me... I just plod along day by day... sigh. Same old same old around here. Got most of the Christmas stuff put away, now I gotta wait for Frank to feel like doing what I asked him to do, which is to take the lights down and put them away as well as the tree. Sigh. I am so tired of having to nag them to get them to do what they should do. I wish I felt like doing what I should be doing myself... but I still just can't bring myself to care enough to get much done.

My friend Jim's mother just died. He went to Ohio when she was put on life support, then again when they said she was brain dead and they were gonna pull the plug, but didn't... his wife was being a bitch so they went home to New York. Now he's got to go back to Ohio again, for the funeral... what a horrible time he's having.

Thursday, January 17, 2002

Headache city! I have this MAJOR sinus headache that just won't go away. I took the rest of the ornaments off of the Christmas tree... and did the dishes. I think I'll let the laundry sit for now. I folded what was in the dryer, and then washed & dried another load, but it can wait 'til this headache lets up to be folded.

The baby got me up at 2:30 am... hope she's not gonna make a habit of that! She had a wet diaper, which I changed, but wouldn't go back to sleep. I put her back to bed around 4... then slept with her when she took her long nap today.

Wednesday, January 16, 2002

Really hard to be motivated today, but I still did a couple of loads of laundry, made stew, and began to take the ornaments off the Christmas tree. What a dull life.

Tuesday, January 15, 2002

Well, I went to the shrink today. Since the appointment was at 11am that meant I had to get a shower and go out earlier than I am accustomed to doing so... but I made it, and on time, too. I'm really not sure if going to her is actually going to benefit me, but continuing to see her at least makes me look good to the authorities. I still haven't heard from DCF this month, I hope that doesn't meant that BSO has decided to take me to court.

Monday, January 14, 2002

Today's been just another unremarkable day, unless you want to count the two times I had to change the crib sheets (once because she spit up, once because of poop getting everywhere during a diaper change gone awry) sigh. Every day I tell myself "maybe tomorrow will be better" and I just keep plodding along.

Sunday, January 13, 2002

Had a lousy night last night... not enough Nyquil left. Bob went to the store today, and he got some, so I hope to have a nice restful sleep tonight. The baby slept for half the day, however, so she may make me stay up late before I get to GO to bed. I've caught up the laundry and as usual still have dishes to do... what a humdrum existence. The only way to get anything else done is to either let something pile up or skip tv... hmmmm...

I had a splitting headache for most of the day. It's gone now, but I still feel the pressure in my head and if I bend over it'll hurt again. Sinuses... arrrrgh! I wish I had something more interesting to say, but I'm just in a really boring phase of my life right now, and not really ready to do anything besides routine drudgery. Not much interests me. There was a Beth Hart concert at Young Circle tonight, and I would've like to have gone, but my headache had not yet let up by 5:30 when it was to have started. Sigh. Oh well. I wonder now if I'll ever feel like doing anything worthwhile again.

Saturday, January 12, 2002

I'm so sleepy today... but if I lie down to take a nap I'll just start coughing. : (

Friday, January 11, 2002

Here's another one, LOL:

Are you sick of online personality tests?

I just took another test, LOL:

Take the Corporate Mascot Test at Willaston's Lounge!

I just took this silly test:

Which Internal Organ are you? Find out at willaston's lounge!

Amazing what you come across by reading other people's blogs before going to your own. Anyway, nothing much to report here, today. Got my first "non-peeve" issue of the newsletter out today, by request, and had enough submissions to fill it, so that's a plus. I also have tomorrow's issue sewn up... just gotta log on and post it. So far so good! I wish I'd get over this cough and sinus headache/pressure, though!

Thursday, January 10, 2002

Oh... I forgot to mention... today was the last visit from the "Kids in Distress" people. They are satisfied that there is no child abuse or neglect occurring here, and have closed the case. I hope BSO and DCF do the same, soon! I have another appointment with that psychologist next Tuesday, not looking forward to that because I didn't do anything she wanted me to do. I guess it's time to start lying my ass off just to get this shit over and done with. Enough is enough. My husband wishes I had lied in the first place so I wouldn't be having this problem. Oh well. So much for honesty. BTW... my "website" is at
Well, I didn't get here yesterday... but there's not much to say. Just spent the day doing housework and trying not to feel miserable... caught the baby's cold. Not as sick as my husband, though... he stayed home from work sick on Monday night, something he rarely does. In fact, the only times in 17 1/2 years of being together that he didn't go to work were: About 16 years ago he went in and they sent him home cuz he actually looked green he was so sick, then in late 1997, early '98 he and all my kids had the chickenpox, which I had as a child, so I felt like Florence Nightingale... pity I never got out the video camera to document their comical appearance at the time. Right after he recovered from that, he had hernia surgery. So, as far as I can remember, this is only the third time in 17 years that he stayed home from work. Oh, and he felt well enough to go to the grocery store today and get the Kielbasa that I forgot the other day, to go with the cabbage I already bought...

Tuesday, January 08, 2002

I had a rough day today... cut my finger doing dishes last night and it hurts. Actually went OUT to the Post Office and grocery store (Publix) forgot the kielbasa to go with the cabbage... par for the course with me I guess!

Monday, January 07, 2002

Not feeling too well today... had a nap this afternoon when the baby was sleeping. My husband appears to have the flu... hope it's the same bug the baby already has... I'd hate for her to get over a cold only to come down with the flu! She keeps spitting up all over everything I dress her in... had a full load of laundry for her every day for the past three days now! Ugh. Well... hopefully tomorrow won't suck as badly as today did. At least I got the turkey breast cooked today, even if I haven't touched the pile of dishes in the kitchen. Can't WAIT 'til my dishwasher's fixed... should be within the next week. I gave a deposit for him to order the parts on the 2nd and he said it would be 7 to 10 days. Sigh. The waiting really is the hardest part sometimes.

Sunday, January 06, 2002

Not much going on today... just been working all day... dishes, laundry, baby, etc. And the baby keeps leaking through her clothing. I can't seem to change her fast enough... yet if I don't wait 'til she's finished she'll poop all over the changing pad! Sigh. The trials and tribulations of being a mommy.

Saturday, January 05, 2002

Here's a funky test to take:

Are you a freak?

I don't have much to say right now. Maybe I'll come back later and say more.

Friday, January 04, 2002

My oldest son cleaned up the house quite a bit last night. I appreciate it, but I wonder what it is he wants, that he's going out of his way to "butter me up" before asking?
I'm up late, cuz no one sent me any peeves so I had to write the whole newsletter issue myself today, then ended up chatting with Linda on yahoo and now Erin on MSN messenger and waiting for brownies to come out of the oven. Mmmmmmm I can smell 'em now!

Took the baby to the doc and he said she just has a mild cold, lungs are clear... glad to hear that. No prescriptions, just use pediacare 3X/day for 5 days and saline drops in her nose. Also steaming her in the bathroom to help clear congestion.

It's colder than usual for south Florida tonight... glad I have central heat in the house!
Once again: I am ledheadlydia on yahoo and AIM:

By the way, we have a webcam, so I can show you the baby on yahoo messenger.

Thursday, January 03, 2002

OOPS! I didn't get here to post yesterday... but here is something I began writing yesterday, with the hope that when my husband goes looking to see what documents I brought up recently his curiosity will cause him to open and read it. It's not done yet, but I have to take the baby to the doctor today, so I'll post changes later.

Lydia 1-2-02

A lot of things bother me. Always have. But what bothers me most is feeling like I don’t matter.

I think we all just want to have someone who loves us so much they’d do anything for us, and put us first before all else. In fact, I’ve come to realize that is what was behind all of my affairs… the desire to find that special kind of loyalty and devotion. I wasn’t looking for sex… that was just a byproduct. In fact, sex does not interest me that much at all. Maybe it did in the past when I was young and energetic, but after having been through every imaginable sexual scenario, it just isn’t something that really thrills me. Of course, I realize that it is still a part of a relationship, and would submit to my husband if he ever pressed the issue. (He doesn't)

My husband has never put me first in his life… and if God were ahead of me I wouldn’t be upset about it. But coming in 4th or 5th after work (money), sports (any given game), pornographic material/strip clubs, and kids really sucks.

Lately I’ve been in trouble with the law. The Division of Children and Families has been coming to our house and demands have been made upon me in order to comply and prevent them from removing the children to foster homes. But that doesn’t bother me a fraction as much as my husband’s online relationship with someone ELSE whom I perceive to be yet another thing that is more important to him than I am.

It has been said to me that forgiveness is final, and when you are truly forgiven then the past is put behind you, and there is no “getting even with” or punishing someone who has been forgiven. Therefore I can only assume that my husband has not truly forgiven me for my past mistakes, and that his insistence upon continuing this online dalliance is his way of “getting even” or punishing me. ACCEPTANCE and forgiveness are two entirely different concepts. Obviously, he accepts that things are the way they are and you “can’t unring a bell”.

But let’s go back to the beginning. When I met my husband I was basically homeless, just bumming around from place to place. Most of the men I came across fit into one of two categories: Wanted a girlfriend but couldn’t support one, or Could support a girlfriend but didn’t want one. For some reason, the thought of just being independent and taking care of myself, living on my own, never occurred to me. I wanted someone to take care of me. At the time, I guess it wasn’t as important to me how loyal or devoted he would be to me, so long as he was able and willing to support me.

Then my mother died, and when I went to Ohio to settle her estate, I almost didn’t come back to Florida. Maybe I should have read between the lines THEN when my husband (who wasn’t yet my husband then) told me “you don’t HAVE to come back…” I should have realized he didn’t REALLY want me to come back… didn’t really WANT to be responsible for me.

In those days I couldn’t have cared less about money or the things that money could buy… as long as I had food, clothing, and shelter, I was fairly well content. But it did bother me that he would never call in sick or take off of work just to spend time with me… that the job and money came first in his life. So I went out and found other people to spend time with.

Then I got pregnant, and we had our first child, after which he would not come near me, no matter how sexy I tried to be or how much I wanted to be with him. He later told me it was out of anger that he’d never discussed with me, over being made a father “against his will”. However, I had never made any secret of the fact that I’d always wanted a child and didn’t use birth control… so what did he THINK was going to happen? I guess he thought he was sterile or something.

Anyway, I became ever more anxious as he focused on “the game” when I tried to cozy up to him, and he’d tune me out completely when I tried to talk to him. Then there were the times when he left me home alone in bed and went to strip clubs… making me angry that he’d rather look at THOSE women than have sex with me, when I was sitting home ready, willing, and able. So I went out and found some more other people to spend time with.

He already had some pornographic magazines when I met him… and it didn’t bother me so badly when I was young and na├»ve… but I’ve learned since then a lot about the impact of pornography on the mind as well as the means by which women and sometimes even children are exploited and abused by that industry. The worst part of it is that those images brand themselves into the mind and are difficult, if not impossible, to shake. They create a thirst for more that can lead to sick and deviant practices.

He knows that I consider viewing pornography to be just as much “cheating” as actually having a physical affair. It consumes one’s thoughts to the degree that eventually sexual performance is dependent upon such images… a man who consistently views pornography can no longer be satisfied without it… sometimes can’t even “get it up” without imagining some hot babe from a magazine, strip club, video, or website. Not only that, but while he’s making love to his partner, he has to continue to imagine that hot babe, or he may lose his erection and not be able to perform at all. Meanwhile, his partner, who’s doing her best to focus on him and their lovemaking, is shortchanged because she wonders, when he closes his eyes, WHO he’s imagining instead of her.

I can’t get past this. Until he discontinues the behavior, I can’t “get over” it. Knowing that my husband is viewing pornographic websites at night, and more than likely engaged in “cybersex” with his Texas tart makes me think I should just go ahead, after all, and get a divorce. Of course, if I did that, I’d have to ask for alimony and child support, since I’ve never held a job, and I’d need the house and the car, too. I don’t hate him, but I can’t continue to sleep while this is going on and ever feel good about myself.

Tuesday, January 01, 2002

I took a long walk with my daughter Sarah and my youngest son, Timmy (7) today... we went to Target, Eckerd, and Publix... then to Jim's Drive Thru, and came back through the park along the canal. I wish I could make myself get that much exercise every day!

Other than that I made a roast (beef) and did a bit of laundry, but not much else today. Been online a lot... farting around reading email and chatting with a few friends... killing time and avoiding responsibility, mostly.

The baby spit up so much that I had to do her laundry cuz I was running out of clean receiving blankets... and she pooped so much she leaked twice... and that's when I changed her right away... amazing how much can come out of her at a time, LOL

The fireworks were noisy for last night's New Year's celebration, but didn't wake the baby. I stayed awake 'til after midnight... and my husband, who's off work for two days, shot off some of the noisy fireworks out in the cold with the kids.

I'm really irritated about my husband's constantly viewing pornography at night on the internet when he's off work... not to mention continuing his online relationship with that bitch in Texas who came and stayed here for a few weeks when I was in Peru. She keeps telling him what a good man he is, what a raw deal he has, and how he needs to come to Texas for a couple of weeks to let her spoil him rotten. Grrrrrrrrrrr! I'd like to "spoil" her! (Permanently!)

I keep getting IMed on Yahoo by this woman who's into making slaves out of men who want to be submissive and used... it's tempting to take her up on her offer to make her slaves send me some money to get me started... just to see if she's full of shit or not!

Well, it's late, and dh will be getting up soon... I'm ready to crash. No doubt he'll be viewing pornography and having 2 way video conversations with the she devil who sent the webcam so she can see him. If anyone reads this and has some good suggestions on how to deal with this situation, I'd love to hear 'em. I'm