It's been a long day, but I seem to have gotten a lot done. I went to the Post Office and finally mailed out Tim's CD that I promised him over a month ago... went to Respect Life and dropped off some outgrown baby clothes, as well as picking up some things they had that I needed... then I went to pee for the state. After all that I went to two thrift stores and obtained three pairs of long pants for each of my two younger boys, as well as a windbreaker-type jacket for my daughter. I also got several loads of laundry washed & dried, if not folded & put away... ran a load of dishes, and cooked supper as well as making s'mores twice for everyone (after lunch and after dinner) I even bathed the baby... which I skipped last night because it was cold and the heat is not working for some reason... good night!

Well, I guess I'm not getting much done. I should probably log off and get some laundry going... as well as dishes... but I'm so damn tired of both!

They want to make really sure you don't try to cheat on the urine tests. They take a lot of precautions. 1. The water in the toilet is blue, so you can't get away with adding it to the sample, 2. The back of the toilet tank is chained shut, 3. You have to lock your purse in a little box before going into the bathroom to give your sample, and 4. The urine collection container has a thermometer strip on it to make sure it just came out of your body. Of course, I DO know of ways to get around all of that, but I'm clean so I have no reason to want to cheat. For example, they sell these "shooter" things in bars in a tube... I've heard of people having a clean friend pee in one of those to take and substitute... but I suppose you'd have to stick it in your vagina like a tampon to get it to be the right temperature... and I don't know WHAT a guy would do... plus you have to fill the cup to a certain level, and I don't know if one of those shooters would hold enough liquid. There are also the drinks that clean your pee, and I know people who have successfully passed drug tests while indulging in drug use by using those, so I know they work, but I also know others for whom they did NOT work. I think if you follow the instructions properly they work, and they have a money back guarantee...

I have a few stops to make when I go out, so I've made some formula for the baby. I hope Frank will take care of her and not leave his dad stuck, cuz Bob's working 12 hour shifts right now and he's really tired.

I have to go pee for the state today... oh joy

It's cold out today, and our heater keeps cutting out. I think we need a repairman, but we can't afford it, so I guess it's time to bundle up 'til the temperature warms up. Chances are it's not going to work on A/C either, though, so it's gonna get hot in here, then. Sigh. It's always something.

I'm not feeling too positive right now. I had a rough day yesterday, didn't get much done, and I feel like my life is a neverending string of obligations that I've set up and no longer want to deal with. I feel enslaved and kinda hopeless. I have to keep reminding myself that I am only going through a phase and that this too shall pass.

The DCF worker called and showed up yesterday, I'm sure that doesn't help my state of mind. My shrink called and rescheduled my appointment for next week. Being loving toward my husband when I don't really FEEL anything is a strain, too, but I don't know what else to do.

Had a hard time getting up today... didn't get up 'til 7. Gotta go to the shrink tonight at 6... and the DCF worker hasn't called to come by yet this month, either. Wonder why? I suppose she'll come by before Friday (the first of the month) and I still have to go pee for them to prove I'm still straight...

Well, we made it to church... an exhausting experience. I'm still trying to get caught up on laundry and dishes, but it seems I never do... took a LONG walk with Selena, Joe, and Tim today. Very tired now.

I'm trying to get everyone together to go to church... not sure if it's going to work out. Be back later to report...

My daughter wants chicken noodles soup, and since we don't have any she's being difficult and says she doesn't want anything we have. C'est la vie! I'll ask the others what they want after I go to the library and drop off the videos that are due today.

Last night Bob and I went to the beach, but it was all drizzly, and we only had enough change for 1/2 hour on the meter. The first place we went to had BAD karaoke singers, and the second was so crowded, we figured by the time we got served our time would be up on the meter... so we went back to the pool hall and shot a few games instead.

Ha ha ha... I actually got here. Dunno how long I'll get to stay, but I guess I'll make the best of it while I can.

I guess I'd better close my blog for the day and get on to other things. It's been real, LOL

Bob and Sarah are going to buy some flowers to plant in the planter out front today. They have already prepared the bed, so all they need now are the plants.

Frankie just got up and I told him about the plans his father and I had for tonight. He's going to try to be home by the baby's bath time... he wants to go to his cousin's house this afternoon.

The kids are making noise, so my time is short... they'll be waking up the baby before long!

Bob just got home and told me he doesn't have to work tonight, so I guess we'll go out tonight instead of noon tomorrow. Not sure where we'll go or what we'll do though. Now to get Sarah to sleep in her own room...

Some days are better than others. I hope this is one of the good ones. It started out pretty good... I guess it's up to me to keep it going that way.

Selena let me sleep an extra hour today, so I actually got 8 full hours of sleep. I fell asleep before 10:30 last night, and instead of waking up at 5:30am today, she woke up at 6:30... so I didn't get online 'til around 7:30. If she would do that every day, I'd be much more well rested, but of course I'd need to get to sleep early every night, too.

My friend Rex finally got back online... he had taken a break from it for so long that his email box filled up! It's nice to have him around to chat with once in a while... although the more I chat, the less I get caught up on MY email!

Bob didn't go to the grocery yesterday... he took the kids to the beach. But he's going to go today, and I suppose he and I are going out at lunchtime tomorrow, because he's scheduled to work 7 days this week. We are trying to work on improving our relationship and stay together. So far so good... I'm sure we have a long way to go though.

I hope Bob goes to the grocery today and gets what is on the list. It is getting too long for the paper!

Giles said that he would photograph me for free... we'll see if it ever actually happens. I'll believe it when I see it!

On the way home from the beach, we stopped so that Frank could pay for the cell phone minutes. I stayed at the car, and it turns out that my old friend Giles was nearby, working on his soon-to-be-opened photography studio. We chatted for a bit, and he gave me a beer. I drank the beer pretty fast cuz I was really thirsty after walking in the wind. I started coughing when I was talking to him because I am no longer used to talking for any real length of time, and we had been walking in the wind just prior to that.

Yesterday, instead of walking with the stroller around the neighborhood, as I have been doing for about the past week, Frank and I took Selena to the beach. We first walked South (into the wind, which was out of the South East) along the water's edge, in the sand. Then we walked back North towards the car again, on the broadwalk. Frank did some pullups and inclined crunches along the way, using part of the "vita-course" to do so. We were both quite tired from carrying Selena and walking, by the time we got back to the car and headed home.

The birds are singing, and when I went out for a cigarette I was watching them meander back and forth across the sky, which was tinged with the hues of sunrise. The recycling truck has just been by, but it's noisy clatter has moved on. The nearby interstate drones in the background, but the sounds of nature are quite clear.

Still sleepy, though. I didn't get a nap yesterday, and I'm not sure that I'll get one today. I should be taking one every day, but if I did, I'd just fall further and further behind.

Up early for the third day in a row! That's got to be a record. I hope I can continue on this track at least six days a week. I'll plan to sleep in on Saturdays, though.

Do you get a negative attitude because you're having a bad day,
or do you have a bad day because of your negative attitude?

Explorer just shut down on me... almost every time I try to go to "iwon today" at iwon.com it freezes up my computer. Sometimes I can get out of it without rebooting, sometimes not... but if I DO get out of it, Explorer ends up shut down, limiting what I can do.

I have always liked this quote from Mother Theresa, which was printed on the business cards she used to hand out:
The Fruit of Silence is Prayer
The Fruit of Prayer is Faith
The Fruit of Faith is Love
The Fruit of Love is Service
The Fruit of Service is Peace -- Mother Teresa

My email at aol is piling up... I never seem to have enough time to clear much of it. When I DO have the time, I seldom have the presence of mind to concentrate and read well. I hate it when it disappears before I've had a chance to read it, as it does when it's getting old.

I've been trying to get around to remembering to send my friend Tim one of my demo CDs. He is someone I knew 20 years ago, back home. I used to babysit for him and his wife, Kim. They are long since divorced, and their daughter, Krystal, is 21 now... I think he said she's getting married! Boy does that ever make me feel old.

It seems like trying to do more is futile, I just trudge along through life like a sleepwalker. I'll be glad when this phase is over... and I hope it IS, soon!

I managed to get up early this morning, but I'm still sleepy... just like yesterday. I don't know why I'm so tired all the time, guess it's just from taking care of the baby. She really wears me out.

I am so tired today... having trouble functioning. I wanted to drop in here and say a few words, but I'm too brain dead to think of anything.

I'm back... got the baby down for a nap, and I'm sleepy but I don't trust her to stay asleep long enough to let ME get a decent nap. When she gets up it is time to go out for a walk with her in the stroller, as we have been doing on a daily basis for about a week now. I've been trying to walk a little further every day and get some exercise, as well as tire the kids out some. I was taking ALL of them along, but they were fighting with each other and getting on my nerves so I really couldn't enjoy the walk, so now I'm only taking one kid a day (besides Selena) on "their day" which is predesignated: Sunday is Sarah's, Monday is Joey's, Tuesday is Timmy's, and Friday is Frank's. So on Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday, I'll do my best to get them ALL to come along... but that may change, too, LOL

No matter what I try to do I always feel like it's never enough and the harder I work at it the further behind I seem to fall. Don't know what the solution is... but time will tell on that score, I'm sure. At least I have been getting SOMETHING done!

Well, for a moment I have both hands free to type. I'd better make the best of it!

The baby slept through the night last night for once. I woke at around 20 after 6, rested and refreshed, so I got up to take advantage of the silence and catch up on some of my email. It wasn't long, however, before Selena and Sarah were up, and soon I'm going to have to log off and cook breakfast.

Bob and I are trying hard to improve our relationship. I am sure we will be successful as long as we keep working at it.

I've also made out a schedule like my shrink suggested. I'm not so sure how good I'll be at sticking to it, or if it is going to be of any real benefit at all, but I figured it was worth a try, and I couldn't unequivocally say that it WON'T work if I didn't give it a shot. So far it seems that I have no real spare time, and I'm not sure how to rectify that. I've sent my schedule to one friend for suggestions, but perhaps I should send it to several more. First I'll see what he has to say.

Well... the baby's fussing and Sarah's being mean to her... and getting nasty with Timmy, too, so I guess my time's up. More later?

Went out & shot pool last night... I wish I could get enough time on the computer to put a decent entry in this Diary, but I always seem to be typing with one hand while I hold the baby lately...

I don't have time to type, as usual. I'm getting really stressed out over my life. Supposed to go on a "date" with my husband tonight... nervous about trying to renew our relationship on top of everything else that's going on...

Would ya look at that? I missed another day. Sigh. It's hard to keep up with everything... and not getting easier, either.

I gave my husband a heartfelt letter along with his valentine card yesterday, and he responded by email... it looks like we're going to try and make a go of it... we'll see. Time will tell. I promised to cut all ties with former lovers, including friendship, as long as he does likewise with Penny. The difference is, none of MY former lovers were still trying to talk me into leaving my husband or talking shit about him behind his back. Well, it is a time when compromises must be made, so I'm inclined to cut my losses and do what he wants. It's not like he ever demanded that I do so, but he won't quit talking to Penny if I don't.

Well, instead of going back to sleep at 6am today, I got up to get a jump on the internet. Still didn't get that far, but I've sent out my newsletter and read a few emails. Other than that, I ate breakfast and now I'm prepared to do a few other things. However, I don't believe making a schedule, as my shrink suggested, would do a damn bit of good. You can't schedule a baby's whims. And she'd be sure to throw it off which would only make me feel worse and like MORE of a failure!

I had really strange dreams last night... something about having to eat some guy's leg! Ewww! And other weird and wild stuff... but anyway, been tired all day cuz it was NOT restful!

I had to go to the shrink today. She thinks making a schedule and following it would help. Obviously she's never had babies to contend with! Sigh. I'm so depressed... I hope I can get myself out of this slump soon.

It's been a rough day as usual... maybe I'll come back later and say more.

I made a Valentine card for my husband today, and spent the better part of today writing him a heartfelt letter in the hope that it will elicit some kind of response from him and I will know once and for all where I stand.

It's been a lazy day... had sinus trouble this morning, so I took Benadryl and Sudafed Sinus... then Selena and I went to bed together and nursed/napped from 1-4 this afternoon. Bob took Sarah, Joe, and Tim to see "Big Fat Liar" and they had a good time. Joey spent all of his Christmas money this afternoon buying ice cream from the ice cream truck for all the neighborhood kids. Generous, but a bit foolish, I say.

Got a dilemma to work out with my newsletter... one of the subscribers has been insulting others, and as a result, one of my subscribers said she's thinking about unsubscribing. My dilemma is whether to unsubscribe the offender, let Michelle unsubscribe due to having been offended, or initiate some ground rules. I think I'm going to take the latter route, and lay down the law. I mean, it says "pet peeves from anyone about anything" but it doesn't say "pet peeves from anyone about anyONE". I'm still mulling it over, which is why I have not yet posted the newsletter today. It's getting late, however, and I need to bathe the baby, so I may have to go ahead and bite the bullet, or else bathe the baby and get her to bed before I deal with it.

My son Frank is at a neighbor's house... it's raining and that brings out these little tree frogs we have in the neighborhood. Apparently they scared one in the door, and now it's lost in the house. They're all terrified of it, so they called him to come over and catch it, but it can't be found now... so he's hanging out there watching tv and waiting for the frog to show itself. The stupidest part is that the reason they're all afraid of it is because they are scared that they will get warts if they touch it!!!

As usual I didn't sleep too well... and I forgot to take my vitamins yesterday so I'm feeling particularly "blah" today. Also had a frog in my throat for about the past week. I know I should give up tobacco, but after having been forced into giving up reefer, it's doubly hard.

Not much else to say, just wanted to make a post in order to be consistent. I've only missed one day, ever, since starting this diary, which has got to be a new record for me!

Well, it's been a tough day. I went out with Frank last night at midnight, hoping to ride the roller coaster at Boomer's, but it was closed. So we went to the all night drugstore and I got some anbesol for my poor teething baby. I didn't get to sleep 'til about 2:30, and the baby got up at 6:30... but I managed to get her to nap from about 9:30-11:30 during which time I also napped. While this was going on my husband took Sarah, Joe, and Tim out for a bike ride and lunch at Burger King... then he grilled a steak for dinner. Meanwhile I got a load of dishes and a couple of loads of laundry run today, barely.

Then, this evening, Sarah fell off a skateboard and got hurt. Dunno yet if anything's broken, but she's adamently opposed to having xrays done, so we won't be going to the ER tonight, at least. Maybe tomorrow, if there's any swelling apparent. Gave her some ice and advil.

I'm exhausted. Gonna log off and give the baby her bath then scoot my butt off to bed... in Sarah's bed, and she'll be sleeping in mine. Usually she wakes up and brings me the baby in the mornings, but she can't do that if she's hurt, so... it's better this way anyway. I should sleep in the girls' room with the baby until she finishes adjusting and starts sleeping through the night again. Sigh. I can hardly wait!

Bob and the boys came back already... baby's still wearing me out. Not much else to say, and it's a pain in the butt typing with one hand and holding the baby with the other!

Had a rough day... feeling a bit insecure, and not sure how to change it. But tired of feeling like a lump, for sure.

My husband took the two birthday boys (Frank, 16 and Timmy, 8) to their grandma's...

Joey thought his scooter was stolen... had to call Frank at his grandma's to find out where it was. What a boring life I have.

I stayed up 'til 2:30 am downloading an antivirus program... ran it... no virus. Tina was mistaken. She says the virus she got was from an email I sent her. How can it come from an email I sent, yet not affect me??? Sigh. I just don't comprehend. Maybe it's because I didn't get enough sleep... but I suspect that even well-rested this one would stump me.

Today has been a drag. Sleep deprivation sux. Hope I get more rest soon.

Tina says I've got a virus. Hope I can get rid of it.

Well, today I went to a movie. It's the first time I've been to a movie at the newest theater in town, although it's been open for a year or two. The last movie I went to see was "A Knight's Tale" last year at the $2 theater out west. Today we saw "I Am Sam" and it was good. I'd be really surprised if Sean Penn doesn't win an award for his compelling performance. He was very believable.

Frank babysat so I could take Sarah and Jodi (her best friend) to the movie, as Sarah had been saving her Christmas money for this... it was her (belated) birthday treat to Jodi. I'm pretty well worn out, now, though, as I'm not used to going out anywhere, and I didn't get as much sleep as I could have liked to last night either.

Ever since I started putting the baby in her crib she's been waking up at 5, 6, 7am and then I bring her to bed with me to nurse and fall back asleep with her, but I've got to break that habit or she'll never go back to sleeping through the night again. So this time, I'm going to try to get up and check her diaper, nurse her if necessary, and put her back to bed. Hopefully I'll have her back to sleeping through the night soon! I'm beginning to really miss that bassinet!

Not much going on here today. But Bob is off tonight and tomorrow night, then working day shift on Sunday... after that he's taking a week's vacation. On Tuesday he is taking Frank and Timmy to their grandma's for their birthdays.