Well, I got the boil to pop, so it's not as painful as it was, just ugly. Other than that, there's not much going on. I got up kinda late today (7am) so I didn't read as much of my backlogged email as I would have liked to...

Well, I went and did the singing telegram yesterday, and the recipient was delighted. Not only that, but since he was a bartender at a fancy yacht and country club... there was a full house for lunch and they applauded nicely when I was finished with each song. He even walked me outside when I was done. He offered to carry some of my equipment, but I told him no, that it was my job. I sang the new song I just learned without butchering it too badly... and also two of my original love songs whose lyrics can be found on my lyrics page: "Fantasy Romance" and "My Soulmate and Friend". The lyrics page link is at sistersunshine.com and there are other links there as well.

I don't get paid 'til next Tuesday... and now that I've broken the ice by doig this, I'm hoping they'll have more work for me in the future. The hardest part was getting to the gig... I was about five or ten minutes late due to the thick Miami traffic.

On a more sober note, I've had a painful growth that's giving me trouble and I may have to see the doctor about soon. : (

I have a JOB today... doing a singing telegram! $70 for 3 songs plus gas mileage...
It's for a guy's birthday... his girlfriend can't be there... So I gotta dress like a cowgirl... and she wanted me to sing a song I don't know, so I'm trying to learn it well enough to at least sing one verse of it... (Dixie Chicks, Cowboy Take Me Away) For the other two songs I'm going to do my own originals... if I can do it this once and break the ice so I'm not chicken, Captain Telegram will have steady work for me. Seems they're short on people lately. I gotta go up there to Ft. Lauderdale this morning and get the costume, then the gig is at 12:30 I'll let y'all know how it went when I get online again afterwards. Wish me luck!

Well, I didn't make it here on Saturday or Sunday, but I wanted to get back on track, so here I am.

We went to church yesterday... still an ordeal. I don't know if we'll ever "get into the groove" with it, but I'm trying!

I've got an ingrown hair that is driving me crazy. I hope I don't have to go to the doctor and have it lanced. Right now I'm feeling like maybe I shoulda gone back to sleep this morning... I'm tired all the time. Sigh.

Still doing the one step forward, two steps back thing... sigh

Well, I don't really have much to say or a whole lot of presence of mind to think about what I would like to talk about right now, but I wanted to drop in and make an entry before I give up and go on to bed tonight. I haven't been doing too good about getting up early lately!

I just couldn't wake up this morning... so Selena and I slept in 'til almost 10am. Bob washed all the dishes and cooked breakfast... after going for a run with the two younger boys. Sarah was going to go, but she claims her "butt hurts" cuz the youngest boy, Timmy, knocked her down on rollerblades yesterday. Oh well, at least they got some exercise... I've been laying off cuz the weather's been cruddy and I've been more tired than usual... I think it's just because my period's returned. Oh joy.

I guess I'd better get some better vitamins. The cheap Publix vitamins I've been taking don't appear to be doing me any good at all... and Bob offered to get me some from GNC.

The washing machine is acting up again... I don't know if we're going to have it repaired or just buy a new one with the tax refund money. I just know that the 30 loads a week we do is highly inconvenient to take to the laundrymat. Not to mention I'm paranoid of losing things at the laundrymat, ever since, years ago, I left some robes in the dryer and someone stole them by the time I got back when I realized I didn't have them!

Sarah said she was going to fix lunch... she cleaned the table (allegedly to do so) then got out the Monopoly game. Oh... now she says she's putting it away 'til after lunch. Okay. Well, the baby's fussing, so I guess I'd better end this for now and pick her up.

Well, the baby's fussing, so I guess I'm going to have to get off the computer and tend to her. It seems like no matter what time of day I try to go on, it's inconvenient. Sigh.

Now I'm up early, and after staying up so late last night, I wanna go back to bed. I doubt I can though... the baby will be up and wanting her breakfast shortly...

It's late and I'm tired, but at least I can say I got here, LOL... not that I'm still coherent enough to really say anything, but oh well, can't be a genius ALL the time!

I talked to him last night, and instead of going out on our weekly "date" he got online and wrote Penny a "Dear John" letter... I went to bed. Yesterday I got my period for the first time since having the baby. (When you breastfeed it can take up to a year to come back)

I'm a bad girl. Snooping in my husband's email... but it looks like he's been behaving ever since he said he would.

It's been a long day, but I seem to have gotten a lot done. I went to the Post Office and finally mailed out Tim's CD that I promised him over a month ago... went to Respect Life and dropped off some outgrown baby clothes, as well as picking up some things they had that I needed... then I went to pee for the state. After all that I went to two thrift stores and obtained three pairs of long pants for each of my two younger boys, as well as a windbreaker-type jacket for my daughter. I also got several loads of laundry washed & dried, if not folded & put away... ran a load of dishes, and cooked supper as well as making s'mores twice for everyone (after lunch and after dinner) I even bathed the baby... which I skipped last night because it was cold and the heat is not working for some reason... good night!

Well, I guess I'm not getting much done. I should probably log off and get some laundry going... as well as dishes... but I'm so damn tired of both!

They want to make really sure you don't try to cheat on the urine tests. They take a lot of precautions. 1. The water in the toilet is blue, so you can't get away with adding it to the sample, 2. The back of the toilet tank is chained shut, 3. You have to lock your purse in a little box before going into the bathroom to give your sample, and 4. The urine collection container has a thermometer strip on it to make sure it just came out of your body. Of course, I DO know of ways to get around all of that, but I'm clean so I have no reason to want to cheat. For example, they sell these "shooter" things in bars in a tube... I've heard of people having a clean friend pee in one of those to take and substitute... but I suppose you'd have to stick it in your vagina like a tampon to get it to be the right temperature... and I don't know WHAT a guy would do... plus you have to fill the cup to a certain level, and I don't know if one of those shooters would hold enough liquid. There are also the drinks that clean your pee, and I know people who have successfully passed drug tests while indulging in drug use by using those, so I know they work, but I also know others for whom they did NOT work. I think if you follow the instructions properly they work, and they have a money back guarantee...

I have a few stops to make when I go out, so I've made some formula for the baby. I hope Frank will take care of her and not leave his dad stuck, cuz Bob's working 12 hour shifts right now and he's really tired.

I have to go pee for the state today... oh joy

It's cold out today, and our heater keeps cutting out. I think we need a repairman, but we can't afford it, so I guess it's time to bundle up 'til the temperature warms up. Chances are it's not going to work on A/C either, though, so it's gonna get hot in here, then. Sigh. It's always something.

I'm not feeling too positive right now. I had a rough day yesterday, didn't get much done, and I feel like my life is a neverending string of obligations that I've set up and no longer want to deal with. I feel enslaved and kinda hopeless. I have to keep reminding myself that I am only going through a phase and that this too shall pass.

The DCF worker called and showed up yesterday, I'm sure that doesn't help my state of mind. My shrink called and rescheduled my appointment for next week. Being loving toward my husband when I don't really FEEL anything is a strain, too, but I don't know what else to do.

Had a hard time getting up today... didn't get up 'til 7. Gotta go to the shrink tonight at 6... and the DCF worker hasn't called to come by yet this month, either. Wonder why? I suppose she'll come by before Friday (the first of the month) and I still have to go pee for them to prove I'm still straight...

Well, we made it to church... an exhausting experience. I'm still trying to get caught up on laundry and dishes, but it seems I never do... took a LONG walk with Selena, Joe, and Tim today. Very tired now.

I'm trying to get everyone together to go to church... not sure if it's going to work out. Be back later to report...

My daughter wants chicken noodles soup, and since we don't have any she's being difficult and says she doesn't want anything we have. C'est la vie! I'll ask the others what they want after I go to the library and drop off the videos that are due today.

Last night Bob and I went to the beach, but it was all drizzly, and we only had enough change for 1/2 hour on the meter. The first place we went to had BAD karaoke singers, and the second was so crowded, we figured by the time we got served our time would be up on the meter... so we went back to the pool hall and shot a few games instead.

Ha ha ha... I actually got here. Dunno how long I'll get to stay, but I guess I'll make the best of it while I can.

I guess I'd better close my blog for the day and get on to other things. It's been real, LOL

Bob and Sarah are going to buy some flowers to plant in the planter out front today. They have already prepared the bed, so all they need now are the plants.

Frankie just got up and I told him about the plans his father and I had for tonight. He's going to try to be home by the baby's bath time... he wants to go to his cousin's house this afternoon.

The kids are making noise, so my time is short... they'll be waking up the baby before long!

Bob just got home and told me he doesn't have to work tonight, so I guess we'll go out tonight instead of noon tomorrow. Not sure where we'll go or what we'll do though. Now to get Sarah to sleep in her own room...

Some days are better than others. I hope this is one of the good ones. It started out pretty good... I guess it's up to me to keep it going that way.

Selena let me sleep an extra hour today, so I actually got 8 full hours of sleep. I fell asleep before 10:30 last night, and instead of waking up at 5:30am today, she woke up at 6:30... so I didn't get online 'til around 7:30. If she would do that every day, I'd be much more well rested, but of course I'd need to get to sleep early every night, too.

My friend Rex finally got back online... he had taken a break from it for so long that his email box filled up! It's nice to have him around to chat with once in a while... although the more I chat, the less I get caught up on MY email!

Bob didn't go to the grocery yesterday... he took the kids to the beach. But he's going to go today, and I suppose he and I are going out at lunchtime tomorrow, because he's scheduled to work 7 days this week. We are trying to work on improving our relationship and stay together. So far so good... I'm sure we have a long way to go though.

I hope Bob goes to the grocery today and gets what is on the list. It is getting too long for the paper!

Giles said that he would photograph me for free... we'll see if it ever actually happens. I'll believe it when I see it!

On the way home from the beach, we stopped so that Frank could pay for the cell phone minutes. I stayed at the car, and it turns out that my old friend Giles was nearby, working on his soon-to-be-opened photography studio. We chatted for a bit, and he gave me a beer. I drank the beer pretty fast cuz I was really thirsty after walking in the wind. I started coughing when I was talking to him because I am no longer used to talking for any real length of time, and we had been walking in the wind just prior to that.

Yesterday, instead of walking with the stroller around the neighborhood, as I have been doing for about the past week, Frank and I took Selena to the beach. We first walked South (into the wind, which was out of the South East) along the water's edge, in the sand. Then we walked back North towards the car again, on the broadwalk. Frank did some pullups and inclined crunches along the way, using part of the "vita-course" to do so. We were both quite tired from carrying Selena and walking, by the time we got back to the car and headed home.

The birds are singing, and when I went out for a cigarette I was watching them meander back and forth across the sky, which was tinged with the hues of sunrise. The recycling truck has just been by, but it's noisy clatter has moved on. The nearby interstate drones in the background, but the sounds of nature are quite clear.

Still sleepy, though. I didn't get a nap yesterday, and I'm not sure that I'll get one today. I should be taking one every day, but if I did, I'd just fall further and further behind.

Up early for the third day in a row! That's got to be a record. I hope I can continue on this track at least six days a week. I'll plan to sleep in on Saturdays, though.

Do you get a negative attitude because you're having a bad day,
or do you have a bad day because of your negative attitude?

Explorer just shut down on me... almost every time I try to go to "iwon today" at iwon.com it freezes up my computer. Sometimes I can get out of it without rebooting, sometimes not... but if I DO get out of it, Explorer ends up shut down, limiting what I can do.

I have always liked this quote from Mother Theresa, which was printed on the business cards she used to hand out:
The Fruit of Silence is Prayer
The Fruit of Prayer is Faith
The Fruit of Faith is Love
The Fruit of Love is Service
The Fruit of Service is Peace -- Mother Teresa

My email at aol is piling up... I never seem to have enough time to clear much of it. When I DO have the time, I seldom have the presence of mind to concentrate and read well. I hate it when it disappears before I've had a chance to read it, as it does when it's getting old.

I've been trying to get around to remembering to send my friend Tim one of my demo CDs. He is someone I knew 20 years ago, back home. I used to babysit for him and his wife, Kim. They are long since divorced, and their daughter, Krystal, is 21 now... I think he said she's getting married! Boy does that ever make me feel old.

It seems like trying to do more is futile, I just trudge along through life like a sleepwalker. I'll be glad when this phase is over... and I hope it IS, soon!

I managed to get up early this morning, but I'm still sleepy... just like yesterday. I don't know why I'm so tired all the time, guess it's just from taking care of the baby. She really wears me out.

I am so tired today... having trouble functioning. I wanted to drop in here and say a few words, but I'm too brain dead to think of anything.

I'm back... got the baby down for a nap, and I'm sleepy but I don't trust her to stay asleep long enough to let ME get a decent nap. When she gets up it is time to go out for a walk with her in the stroller, as we have been doing on a daily basis for about a week now. I've been trying to walk a little further every day and get some exercise, as well as tire the kids out some. I was taking ALL of them along, but they were fighting with each other and getting on my nerves so I really couldn't enjoy the walk, so now I'm only taking one kid a day (besides Selena) on "their day" which is predesignated: Sunday is Sarah's, Monday is Joey's, Tuesday is Timmy's, and Friday is Frank's. So on Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday, I'll do my best to get them ALL to come along... but that may change, too, LOL

No matter what I try to do I always feel like it's never enough and the harder I work at it the further behind I seem to fall. Don't know what the solution is... but time will tell on that score, I'm sure. At least I have been getting SOMETHING done!

Well, for a moment I have both hands free to type. I'd better make the best of it!

The baby slept through the night last night for once. I woke at around 20 after 6, rested and refreshed, so I got up to take advantage of the silence and catch up on some of my email. It wasn't long, however, before Selena and Sarah were up, and soon I'm going to have to log off and cook breakfast.

Bob and I are trying hard to improve our relationship. I am sure we will be successful as long as we keep working at it.

I've also made out a schedule like my shrink suggested. I'm not so sure how good I'll be at sticking to it, or if it is going to be of any real benefit at all, but I figured it was worth a try, and I couldn't unequivocally say that it WON'T work if I didn't give it a shot. So far it seems that I have no real spare time, and I'm not sure how to rectify that. I've sent my schedule to one friend for suggestions, but perhaps I should send it to several more. First I'll see what he has to say.

Well... the baby's fussing and Sarah's being mean to her... and getting nasty with Timmy, too, so I guess my time's up. More later?

Went out & shot pool last night... I wish I could get enough time on the computer to put a decent entry in this Diary, but I always seem to be typing with one hand while I hold the baby lately...

I don't have time to type, as usual. I'm getting really stressed out over my life. Supposed to go on a "date" with my husband tonight... nervous about trying to renew our relationship on top of everything else that's going on...

Would ya look at that? I missed another day. Sigh. It's hard to keep up with everything... and not getting easier, either.

I gave my husband a heartfelt letter along with his valentine card yesterday, and he responded by email... it looks like we're going to try and make a go of it... we'll see. Time will tell. I promised to cut all ties with former lovers, including friendship, as long as he does likewise with Penny. The difference is, none of MY former lovers were still trying to talk me into leaving my husband or talking shit about him behind his back. Well, it is a time when compromises must be made, so I'm inclined to cut my losses and do what he wants. It's not like he ever demanded that I do so, but he won't quit talking to Penny if I don't.

Well, instead of going back to sleep at 6am today, I got up to get a jump on the internet. Still didn't get that far, but I've sent out my newsletter and read a few emails. Other than that, I ate breakfast and now I'm prepared to do a few other things. However, I don't believe making a schedule, as my shrink suggested, would do a damn bit of good. You can't schedule a baby's whims. And she'd be sure to throw it off which would only make me feel worse and like MORE of a failure!

I had really strange dreams last night... something about having to eat some guy's leg! Ewww! And other weird and wild stuff... but anyway, been tired all day cuz it was NOT restful!

I had to go to the shrink today. She thinks making a schedule and following it would help. Obviously she's never had babies to contend with! Sigh. I'm so depressed... I hope I can get myself out of this slump soon.

It's been a rough day as usual... maybe I'll come back later and say more.

I made a Valentine card for my husband today, and spent the better part of today writing him a heartfelt letter in the hope that it will elicit some kind of response from him and I will know once and for all where I stand.

It's been a lazy day... had sinus trouble this morning, so I took Benadryl and Sudafed Sinus... then Selena and I went to bed together and nursed/napped from 1-4 this afternoon. Bob took Sarah, Joe, and Tim to see "Big Fat Liar" and they had a good time. Joey spent all of his Christmas money this afternoon buying ice cream from the ice cream truck for all the neighborhood kids. Generous, but a bit foolish, I say.

Got a dilemma to work out with my newsletter... one of the subscribers has been insulting others, and as a result, one of my subscribers said she's thinking about unsubscribing. My dilemma is whether to unsubscribe the offender, let Michelle unsubscribe due to having been offended, or initiate some ground rules. I think I'm going to take the latter route, and lay down the law. I mean, it says "pet peeves from anyone about anything" but it doesn't say "pet peeves from anyone about anyONE". I'm still mulling it over, which is why I have not yet posted the newsletter today. It's getting late, however, and I need to bathe the baby, so I may have to go ahead and bite the bullet, or else bathe the baby and get her to bed before I deal with it.

My son Frank is at a neighbor's house... it's raining and that brings out these little tree frogs we have in the neighborhood. Apparently they scared one in the door, and now it's lost in the house. They're all terrified of it, so they called him to come over and catch it, but it can't be found now... so he's hanging out there watching tv and waiting for the frog to show itself. The stupidest part is that the reason they're all afraid of it is because they are scared that they will get warts if they touch it!!!

As usual I didn't sleep too well... and I forgot to take my vitamins yesterday so I'm feeling particularly "blah" today. Also had a frog in my throat for about the past week. I know I should give up tobacco, but after having been forced into giving up reefer, it's doubly hard.

Not much else to say, just wanted to make a post in order to be consistent. I've only missed one day, ever, since starting this diary, which has got to be a new record for me!

Well, it's been a tough day. I went out with Frank last night at midnight, hoping to ride the roller coaster at Boomer's, but it was closed. So we went to the all night drugstore and I got some anbesol for my poor teething baby. I didn't get to sleep 'til about 2:30, and the baby got up at 6:30... but I managed to get her to nap from about 9:30-11:30 during which time I also napped. While this was going on my husband took Sarah, Joe, and Tim out for a bike ride and lunch at Burger King... then he grilled a steak for dinner. Meanwhile I got a load of dishes and a couple of loads of laundry run today, barely.

Then, this evening, Sarah fell off a skateboard and got hurt. Dunno yet if anything's broken, but she's adamently opposed to having xrays done, so we won't be going to the ER tonight, at least. Maybe tomorrow, if there's any swelling apparent. Gave her some ice and advil.

I'm exhausted. Gonna log off and give the baby her bath then scoot my butt off to bed... in Sarah's bed, and she'll be sleeping in mine. Usually she wakes up and brings me the baby in the mornings, but she can't do that if she's hurt, so... it's better this way anyway. I should sleep in the girls' room with the baby until she finishes adjusting and starts sleeping through the night again. Sigh. I can hardly wait!

Bob and the boys came back already... baby's still wearing me out. Not much else to say, and it's a pain in the butt typing with one hand and holding the baby with the other!

Had a rough day... feeling a bit insecure, and not sure how to change it. But tired of feeling like a lump, for sure.

My husband took the two birthday boys (Frank, 16 and Timmy, 8) to their grandma's...

Joey thought his scooter was stolen... had to call Frank at his grandma's to find out where it was. What a boring life I have.

I stayed up 'til 2:30 am downloading an antivirus program... ran it... no virus. Tina was mistaken. She says the virus she got was from an email I sent her. How can it come from an email I sent, yet not affect me??? Sigh. I just don't comprehend. Maybe it's because I didn't get enough sleep... but I suspect that even well-rested this one would stump me.

Today has been a drag. Sleep deprivation sux. Hope I get more rest soon.

Tina says I've got a virus. Hope I can get rid of it.

Well, today I went to a movie. It's the first time I've been to a movie at the newest theater in town, although it's been open for a year or two. The last movie I went to see was "A Knight's Tale" last year at the $2 theater out west. Today we saw "I Am Sam" and it was good. I'd be really surprised if Sean Penn doesn't win an award for his compelling performance. He was very believable.

Frank babysat so I could take Sarah and Jodi (her best friend) to the movie, as Sarah had been saving her Christmas money for this... it was her (belated) birthday treat to Jodi. I'm pretty well worn out, now, though, as I'm not used to going out anywhere, and I didn't get as much sleep as I could have liked to last night either.

Ever since I started putting the baby in her crib she's been waking up at 5, 6, 7am and then I bring her to bed with me to nurse and fall back asleep with her, but I've got to break that habit or she'll never go back to sleeping through the night again. So this time, I'm going to try to get up and check her diaper, nurse her if necessary, and put her back to bed. Hopefully I'll have her back to sleeping through the night soon! I'm beginning to really miss that bassinet!

Not much going on here today. But Bob is off tonight and tomorrow night, then working day shift on Sunday... after that he's taking a week's vacation. On Tuesday he is taking Frank and Timmy to their grandma's for their birthdays.

Ever since my baby started on cereal, she’s begun to wake up every day at 6:30 am, and doesn’t want to take her naps in the daytime any more! She’s wearing me out!

I went and peed for the state today. Allegedly after I do this two more times, once in February and once in March, they will close the case and leave me alone. I'll believe it when I see it!

I went and dropped off the other bassinet at the charity I go to today, and picked up a high chair & a few other things. Well... gotta go, the baby needs her diaper changed.

No time to write today, but my dishwasher was finally fixed... hooray!

Baby's fussy... let me see if I can quickly encapsulate the day...
I went to the shrink at noon, had a nice chat about carpal tunnel syndrome, sex, kids, pets, typing, and a host of other subjects... remarkable for one hour. She's a busy busy lady. Amazing. She has no kids or pets, and I don't think she's married either... she has three offices, and bikes/rollerblades on weekends. Says she types up abou 30-40 reports a week and can't even touch type!

While I was at the shrink the new caseworker from DCF came... she said they want a drug test from me once a month for at least the next two months, and then they can close the case. I'll believe that when I see it. I sure hope so. This shit has dragged on for long enough!

The rest of the day has been relatively uneventful, save for the fact that the baby didn't seem interested in eating her cereal today. I don't know why. Not pushing her though... if she doesn't want it, no biggie. She will eventually be interested in eating all the time, so if she wants to take a break that's okay. She is still nursing well.

Just a rotten rotten day. Here is a copy of the letter I sent to a few people who insisted on knowing what was wrong:
You asked for it...
Life just sux, that's all.
It's a long story... lotta shit
I keep having a massive headache every day-sinus on the left side I think it's related to the wisdom tooth that's impacted over there... past x-rays showed the roots were invading my sinuses.
On top of that, DCF called today and wants me to have a $30 piss test by the end of the month (Friday) and I have to go to the shrink ($25) tomorrow, plus the dishwasher repair guy AND DCF worker are coming tomorrow. The dishwasher is gonna be yet another $25 on top of all we already paid him cuz it needed a new heating element, which may be what blew the computer out to begin with...
I can't just pull the tooth. I have to go to an oral surgeon, and the insurance only covers a percentage of the total. Gonna have to wait 'til Bob (my husband) gets the tax refund back, and he doesn't even have all his W2's to file yet.
Not to mention I have a list on the bedroom wall by his desk of all the things the tax refund money was already needed for... tooth removal wasn't on there.
I've been crying a lot. Strangely enough, that seems to relieve a lot of the pain... I guess it decongests me.
I hate my life.
Baby wouldn't take a nap today... I guess she senses my stress and it affects her, which then makes it worse...
I got a Christmas card from a friend (Bill) today in a package with my son's birthday gifts... seems it got returned to him by the post office when he sent it originally. It had a $25 check in it which I promptly signed and gave to Bob to help defray all these expenses...
I have a constant sinus headache on the left side, sometimes dull, sometimes sharp... and sometimes with the addition of a burning sensation. It's hard to think through it. It's about to drive me insane.
How's that? Remember... YOU asked!

Up late again but ready to go to bed soon. Bob has been scheduled for five days this week, which sure beats the hell out of the three he was scheduled for last week. He did take a vacation day to help fill out the paycheck a bit, but with the 22 hours he worked, that still makes only 30 he's getting paid for. Yikes! If this keeps up I'll have no choice but to seek some form of employment.

Baby fought sleep this evening, which made clipping her nails very difficult. I had to do it, though, cuz they were getting dangerously long and I was afraid she was going to hurt herself. Plus she kept pinching us all! Managed to get it done without nipping her like I did last time, though. I felt so bad when I made my poor little girl bleed... even though she didn't seem the least bit disturbed by it. She didn't whine, cry, or complain in the slightest.

These daily headaches are getting me down. If they don't stop soon (within a week or two) I'm going to have to go to the doctor about them. I just hate to do that when Bob's income is at an absolute low. However, I do prefer to keep him as broke as possible so he can't be spending money on pornography or Penny. So I guess it's okay.

I gotta go to the shrink again on Tuesday. Ms. Holman from DCF never has called this month, however, so I don't know if they've decided it was time to close my case or if BSO told her they're taking me to court, or what. Nerve-wracking. If I haven't heard from her by the first of the month, I'm going to call her and find out why. She is supposed to come every month and have all my kids sign forms that say she came... blah blah blah... buncha bullshit. Beware us dangerous potheads. What a bunch of nonsense. Wasting time harassing me while some poor kid's getting his brains bashed in across town and they're doing nothing about it.

I am about ready to go out of my mind. I'm overtired and underhelped... sigh. I have so much to do I don't know where to start. My oldest son is not home, and probably won't be for at least another hour... and he wants to go out of town for a week or two or even a month or two... it is hard enough to get through one day without his help. I want to cry my eyes out. No, I don't think antidepressants would help... that wouldn't solve a damn thing. All it would do is add to the cost of living which is spiraling out of control while my husband's schedule is diminishing. There's no way adding an expense is going to benefit us... and medication is not going to change the situation. Plus, the last time I was on antidepressants, Zoloft to be exact, I HATED the stuff. Gave me heart palpitations making me feel like I was going to have a heart attack, and creepy dreams. NO I DON'T WANT ANTIDEPRESSANTS! Unless they legalize reefer as one. A phat stogey right now would definately put me in the right state of mind to tolerate all that is before me, as well as in the mood to get things done. Sigh. The drug companies are behind keeping it illegal, cuz they know it would eliminate the need for most of their garbage that they push on us poor hapless souls. I just hope I don't end up court ordered to take that poison. Who knows? It might be Prozac or something that will make me COMPLETELY bonkers. Don't wanna risk it.

Another day another disappointment. The parts to repair my dishwasher came in, finally, so he came and repaired it, only to find that the heating element was dead, and may have been what blew out the computer to begin with. Gotta wait 'til next week now for THAT to come in. Sigh. Maybe we should have just bought a whole new dishwasher.

I've been spending so much time chatting online that I haven't gotten to my email for days... sigh. Never enough time.

And I keep having sinus headaches every day lately. I really really wish it would STOP!

My oldest son, Frank, swept & mopped last night, so at least the floor isn't all sticky and yucky any more. It's always something! I wish I could afford a maid to get the rest of the cleaning done... sigh.

Well,
gotta hold the baby now... time to go

Man... it's been another tough day... not getting anything done... been chatting with one friend after another on IMs all day and have hardly read any of my email. Made 2 boxes of baby wipes, and washed laundry but didn't get any folded. Managed to give Selena her 3 helpings of rice cereal... and made sausage & eggs for Timmy and myself this morning (no one else was hungry when we ate)

Baby's really demanding since I started her on cereal... like she's had a personality change!

Today didn't star out so bad... but maybe because I stayed up 'til 3am last night, it's gone downhill from there. It's been a rough one... and this evening I had to change clothes 3 times in one hour when the baby pooped and spit up all over me, herself, and the chair I'm sitting on, then I bathed her and she spit up on me again... sigh. More laundry. But at least she's had her bath for the night early... she should be ready to go to sleep in another hour or two. I'm beat. Won't be burning the midnight oil tonight... and my email's piling up again, just when I was starting to get caught up on it!

Copy of the letter I sent to Rex this morning: Not only was Bob only scheduled to work 3 days this week, but he got off 2 1/2 hours early today... came straight in the door and headed for the computer... (without stopping to see if I was awake & talking to me) but I asked him to go to the store and get me some Coke. (I woulda told him I needed it last night, but he left for work without speaking to me.) I then jumped on the computer hoping you'd be on... but I guess I missed ya. Sigh. That's life, eh? Selena woke up at 5:30 this morning... first time I tried to let her sleep in the crib. She's back to bed now and I'm wide awake... debating about whether to stay online or let Bob go on and talk to you know who...
I guess I'll go back to bed. Selena has a checkup today, and that means I have to get my shit together and go out later... not used to that. If Bob doesn't start working more I'm gonna have to get used to going out, though, cuz I'm gonna have to get a J.O.B.!
Oh well... too bad you're not still on. Love ya anyway!
Lyd
Yes... life really sucks sometimes.

Well, back to the same old same old. Time to log off and give the baby her bath... my husband goes to work only tonight, Wednesday, and Thursday this week. Sigh. Broke city next week... and who knows how long thereafter? Feast or famine.

I'm up later than usual, and I guess it's kinda stupid to stay up... but when the baby's awake I can't really get caught up online very well. Of course, the later I stay up the more I'm gonna regret it tomorrow when she won't let me sleep... but it's a holiday, so at least I don't have to worry about the kids' homeschooling tomorrow. Thank you Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.! (Even if the garbage men won't come...)

It's really annoying me that the Texas bimbo my husband won't stop talking to is feeding his pornography addiction. Just who the hell does she think she is? I can think of some serious tortures I'd like to implement on her sorry ass. It's a good thing I'm a writer or I might be a horrible criminal. Perhaps that is what I should do... write a book about what I'd like to do. The best revenge would be if it were a bestseller, and when I do the talk show circuit she could see me on tv telling about her and how she inspired it, knowing full well I was talking about her but never giving her direct credit.

In the meantime, this blog is a good way to let off steam regarding that and other situations. Perhaps, therefore, it IS a good idea to stay up late at night once in a while, as I may be more reserved during the day.

The baby is very demanding today... getting bored easily. I can hardly wait 'til she can sit up and play with toys, etc. But that will bring its own set of problems, as she'll be mobile soon after and getting into everything!

It's been a boring day... no wonder the baby's annoyed. The weather's hotter than usual, and it's either too hot or too cold no matter where I set the A/C. Sigh. Nothing's perfect in this world.

Well, maybe something will change soon, but for now, same old same old.

I don't really believe in fun anymore. Nothing interests me... I just plod along day by day... sigh. Same old same old around here. Got most of the Christmas stuff put away, now I gotta wait for Frank to feel like doing what I asked him to do, which is to take the lights down and put them away as well as the tree. Sigh. I am so tired of having to nag them to get them to do what they should do. I wish I felt like doing what I should be doing myself... but I still just can't bring myself to care enough to get much done.

My friend Jim's mother just died. He went to Ohio when she was put on life support, then again when they said she was brain dead and they were gonna pull the plug, but didn't... his wife was being a bitch so they went home to New York. Now he's got to go back to Ohio again, for the funeral... what a horrible time he's having.

Headache city! I have this MAJOR sinus headache that just won't go away. I took the rest of the ornaments off of the Christmas tree... and did the dishes. I think I'll let the laundry sit for now. I folded what was in the dryer, and then washed & dried another load, but it can wait 'til this headache lets up to be folded.

The baby got me up at 2:30 am... hope she's not gonna make a habit of that! She had a wet diaper, which I changed, but wouldn't go back to sleep. I put her back to bed around 4... then slept with her when she took her long nap today.

Really hard to be motivated today, but I still did a couple of loads of laundry, made stew, and began to take the ornaments off the Christmas tree. What a dull life.

Well, I went to the shrink today. Since the appointment was at 11am that meant I had to get a shower and go out earlier than I am accustomed to doing so... but I made it, and on time, too. I'm really not sure if going to her is actually going to benefit me, but continuing to see her at least makes me look good to the authorities. I still haven't heard from DCF this month, I hope that doesn't meant that BSO has decided to take me to court.

Today's been just another unremarkable day, unless you want to count the two times I had to change the crib sheets (once because she spit up, once because of poop getting everywhere during a diaper change gone awry) sigh. Every day I tell myself "maybe tomorrow will be better" and I just keep plodding along.

Had a lousy night last night... not enough Nyquil left. Bob went to the store today, and he got some, so I hope to have a nice restful sleep tonight. The baby slept for half the day, however, so she may make me stay up late before I get to GO to bed. I've caught up the laundry and as usual still have dishes to do... what a humdrum existence. The only way to get anything else done is to either let something pile up or skip tv... hmmmm...

I had a splitting headache for most of the day. It's gone now, but I still feel the pressure in my head and if I bend over it'll hurt again. Sinuses... arrrrgh! I wish I had something more interesting to say, but I'm just in a really boring phase of my life right now, and not really ready to do anything besides routine drudgery. Not much interests me. There was a Beth Hart concert at Young Circle tonight, and I would've like to have gone, but my headache had not yet let up by 5:30 when it was to have started. Sigh. Oh well. I wonder now if I'll ever feel like doing anything worthwhile again.

I'm so sleepy today... but if I lie down to take a nap I'll just start coughing. : (

Here's another one, LOL:


Are you sick of online personality tests?

I just took another test, LOL:


Take the Corporate Mascot Test at Willaston's Lounge!

I just took this silly test:


Which Internal Organ are you? Find out at willaston's lounge!


Amazing what you come across by reading other people's blogs before going to your own. Anyway, nothing much to report here, today. Got my first "non-peeve" issue of the newsletter out today, by request, and had enough submissions to fill it, so that's a plus. I also have tomorrow's issue sewn up... just gotta log on and post it. So far so good! I wish I'd get over this cough and sinus headache/pressure, though!

Oh... I forgot to mention... today was the last visit from the "Kids in Distress" people. They are satisfied that there is no child abuse or neglect occurring here, and have closed the case. I hope BSO and DCF do the same, soon! I have another appointment with that psychologist next Tuesday, not looking forward to that because I didn't do anything she wanted me to do. I guess it's time to start lying my ass off just to get this shit over and done with. Enough is enough. My husband wishes I had lied in the first place so I wouldn't be having this problem. Oh well. So much for honesty. BTW... my "website" is at sistersunshine.com

Well, I didn't get here yesterday... but there's not much to say. Just spent the day doing housework and trying not to feel miserable... caught the baby's cold. Not as sick as my husband, though... he stayed home from work sick on Monday night, something he rarely does. In fact, the only times in 17 1/2 years of being together that he didn't go to work were: About 16 years ago he went in and they sent him home cuz he actually looked green he was so sick, then in late 1997, early '98 he and all my kids had the chickenpox, which I had as a child, so I felt like Florence Nightingale... pity I never got out the video camera to document their comical appearance at the time. Right after he recovered from that, he had hernia surgery. So, as far as I can remember, this is only the third time in 17 years that he stayed home from work. Oh, and he felt well enough to go to the grocery store today and get the Kielbasa that I forgot the other day, to go with the cabbage I already bought...

I had a rough day today... cut my finger doing dishes last night and it hurts. Actually went OUT to the Post Office and grocery store (Publix) forgot the kielbasa to go with the cabbage... par for the course with me I guess!

Not feeling too well today... had a nap this afternoon when the baby was sleeping. My husband appears to have the flu... hope it's the same bug the baby already has... I'd hate for her to get over a cold only to come down with the flu! She keeps spitting up all over everything I dress her in... had a full load of laundry for her every day for the past three days now! Ugh. Well... hopefully tomorrow won't suck as badly as today did. At least I got the turkey breast cooked today, even if I haven't touched the pile of dishes in the kitchen. Can't WAIT 'til my dishwasher's fixed... should be within the next week. I gave a deposit for him to order the parts on the 2nd and he said it would be 7 to 10 days. Sigh. The waiting really is the hardest part sometimes.

Not much going on today... just been working all day... dishes, laundry, baby, etc. And the baby keeps leaking through her clothing. I can't seem to change her fast enough... yet if I don't wait 'til she's finished she'll poop all over the changing pad! Sigh. The trials and tribulations of being a mommy.

Here's a funky test to take:



I don't have much to say right now. Maybe I'll come back later and say more.

My oldest son cleaned up the house quite a bit last night. I appreciate it, but I wonder what it is he wants, that he's going out of his way to "butter me up" before asking?

I'm up late, cuz no one sent me any peeves so I had to write the whole newsletter issue myself today, then ended up chatting with Linda on yahoo and now Erin on MSN messenger and waiting for brownies to come out of the oven. Mmmmmmm I can smell 'em now!

Took the baby to the doc and he said she just has a mild cold, lungs are clear... glad to hear that. No prescriptions, just use pediacare 3X/day for 5 days and saline drops in her nose. Also steaming her in the bathroom to help clear congestion.

It's colder than usual for south Florida tonight... glad I have central heat in the house!

Once again: I am ledheadlydia on yahoo and AIM:



By the way, we have a webcam, so I can show you the baby on yahoo messenger.

OOPS! I didn't get here to post yesterday... but here is something I began writing yesterday, with the hope that when my husband goes looking to see what documents I brought up recently his curiosity will cause him to open and read it. It's not done yet, but I have to take the baby to the doctor today, so I'll post changes later.

HOW I FEEL
Lydia 1-2-02

A lot of things bother me. Always have. But what bothers me most is feeling like I don’t matter.

I think we all just want to have someone who loves us so much they’d do anything for us, and put us first before all else. In fact, I’ve come to realize that is what was behind all of my affairs… the desire to find that special kind of loyalty and devotion. I wasn’t looking for sex… that was just a byproduct. In fact, sex does not interest me that much at all. Maybe it did in the past when I was young and energetic, but after having been through every imaginable sexual scenario, it just isn’t something that really thrills me. Of course, I realize that it is still a part of a relationship, and would submit to my husband if he ever pressed the issue. (He doesn't)

My husband has never put me first in his life… and if God were ahead of me I wouldn’t be upset about it. But coming in 4th or 5th after work (money), sports (any given game), pornographic material/strip clubs, and kids really sucks.

Lately I’ve been in trouble with the law. The Division of Children and Families has been coming to our house and demands have been made upon me in order to comply and prevent them from removing the children to foster homes. But that doesn’t bother me a fraction as much as my husband’s online relationship with someone ELSE whom I perceive to be yet another thing that is more important to him than I am.

It has been said to me that forgiveness is final, and when you are truly forgiven then the past is put behind you, and there is no “getting even with” or punishing someone who has been forgiven. Therefore I can only assume that my husband has not truly forgiven me for my past mistakes, and that his insistence upon continuing this online dalliance is his way of “getting even” or punishing me. ACCEPTANCE and forgiveness are two entirely different concepts. Obviously, he accepts that things are the way they are and you “can’t unring a bell”.

But let’s go back to the beginning. When I met my husband I was basically homeless, just bumming around from place to place. Most of the men I came across fit into one of two categories: Wanted a girlfriend but couldn’t support one, or Could support a girlfriend but didn’t want one. For some reason, the thought of just being independent and taking care of myself, living on my own, never occurred to me. I wanted someone to take care of me. At the time, I guess it wasn’t as important to me how loyal or devoted he would be to me, so long as he was able and willing to support me.

Then my mother died, and when I went to Ohio to settle her estate, I almost didn’t come back to Florida. Maybe I should have read between the lines THEN when my husband (who wasn’t yet my husband then) told me “you don’t HAVE to come back…” I should have realized he didn’t REALLY want me to come back… didn’t really WANT to be responsible for me.

In those days I couldn’t have cared less about money or the things that money could buy… as long as I had food, clothing, and shelter, I was fairly well content. But it did bother me that he would never call in sick or take off of work just to spend time with me… that the job and money came first in his life. So I went out and found other people to spend time with.

Then I got pregnant, and we had our first child, after which he would not come near me, no matter how sexy I tried to be or how much I wanted to be with him. He later told me it was out of anger that he’d never discussed with me, over being made a father “against his will”. However, I had never made any secret of the fact that I’d always wanted a child and didn’t use birth control… so what did he THINK was going to happen? I guess he thought he was sterile or something.

Anyway, I became ever more anxious as he focused on “the game” when I tried to cozy up to him, and he’d tune me out completely when I tried to talk to him. Then there were the times when he left me home alone in bed and went to strip clubs… making me angry that he’d rather look at THOSE women than have sex with me, when I was sitting home ready, willing, and able. So I went out and found some more other people to spend time with.

He already had some pornographic magazines when I met him… and it didn’t bother me so badly when I was young and naïve… but I’ve learned since then a lot about the impact of pornography on the mind as well as the means by which women and sometimes even children are exploited and abused by that industry. The worst part of it is that those images brand themselves into the mind and are difficult, if not impossible, to shake. They create a thirst for more that can lead to sick and deviant practices.

He knows that I consider viewing pornography to be just as much “cheating” as actually having a physical affair. It consumes one’s thoughts to the degree that eventually sexual performance is dependent upon such images… a man who consistently views pornography can no longer be satisfied without it… sometimes can’t even “get it up” without imagining some hot babe from a magazine, strip club, video, or website. Not only that, but while he’s making love to his partner, he has to continue to imagine that hot babe, or he may lose his erection and not be able to perform at all. Meanwhile, his partner, who’s doing her best to focus on him and their lovemaking, is shortchanged because she wonders, when he closes his eyes, WHO he’s imagining instead of her.

I can’t get past this. Until he discontinues the behavior, I can’t “get over” it. Knowing that my husband is viewing pornographic websites at night, and more than likely engaged in “cybersex” with his Texas tart makes me think I should just go ahead, after all, and get a divorce. Of course, if I did that, I’d have to ask for alimony and child support, since I’ve never held a job, and I’d need the house and the car, too. I don’t hate him, but I can’t continue to sleep while this is going on and ever feel good about myself.

I took a long walk with my daughter Sarah and my youngest son, Timmy (7) today... we went to Target, Eckerd, and Publix... then to Jim's Drive Thru, and came back through the park along the canal. I wish I could make myself get that much exercise every day!

Other than that I made a roast (beef) and did a bit of laundry, but not much else today. Been online a lot... farting around reading email and chatting with a few friends... killing time and avoiding responsibility, mostly.

The baby spit up so much that I had to do her laundry cuz I was running out of clean receiving blankets... and she pooped so much she leaked twice... and that's when I changed her right away... amazing how much can come out of her at a time, LOL

The fireworks were noisy for last night's New Year's celebration, but didn't wake the baby. I stayed awake 'til after midnight... and my husband, who's off work for two days, shot off some of the noisy fireworks out in the cold with the kids.

I'm really irritated about my husband's constantly viewing pornography at night on the internet when he's off work... not to mention continuing his online relationship with that bitch in Texas who came and stayed here for a few weeks when I was in Peru. She keeps telling him what a good man he is, what a raw deal he has, and how he needs to come to Texas for a couple of weeks to let her spoil him rotten. Grrrrrrrrrrr! I'd like to "spoil" her! (Permanently!)

I keep getting IMed on Yahoo by this woman who's into making slaves out of men who want to be submissive and used... it's tempting to take her up on her offer to make her slaves send me some money to get me started... just to see if she's full of shit or not!

Well, it's late, and dh will be getting up soon... I'm ready to crash. No doubt he'll be viewing pornography and having 2 way video conversations with the she devil who sent the webcam so she can see him. If anyone reads this and has some good suggestions on how to deal with this situation, I'd love to hear 'em. I'm ledheadlydia@aol.com